Saturday, November 5, 2011
Just Who Do You Think You Are?
I find that many confuse empathy with sympathy. You'll find that many of us "liberals" don't want your sympathy. I'd like to think that we, as a country, would take our "Melting Pot" proclamations, and apply it to our immediate social environments. My value systems are different than yours. Just as yours are different than your neighbors. Do you have enough room in your heart to allow for these differences? Are you capable of identifying these differences, and while not always agreeing with them, EMPATHIZING with those who's character is not exactly the way you would choose it to be? Well... are you?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
What Was That?
I still hang out with the worse of the worse.
I have changed, but you'd never know by my company. I have lunch with those who have murdered... I toast with those that have crippled. I drink with those that you work so hard to imprison. Yes I have changed, but not the way you were thinking...
You might think that I am not talking about you...but I am.... You let me go to prison. You let me evolve in this manner. You supported my deprivation. You did it with,.. or without acting. This would never had happened if you had done something to stop it...
So here I am now... One who only finds reality in what I can actually see is real. Say what you want about us ex-cons... at least we're real. We may not, in fact often aren't, right... but we're real. We react to real situations. We hold you accountable to those sins that you would rather not be accountable for. We do what you know should be done, but would rather sweep under the rug.
Many talk about moral objectives and what that entails... many talk about abuse and negligence... Many talk about God and what he expects... Many talk about actually standing up for something... Many talk... and that's all they ever do... Guess what.. Convicts don't talk!
We're what you can never be. We're the warriors that you're too chicken shit to be. Yes there are a lot of us that are completely fucked up, but without those fucked up individuals, how would you be able to disregard us all as a whole? It makes for a convenient excuse.
Maybe we have forgotten the benefit of having differences between each other? Maybe we have been so diluted by others arguments, that we have forgotten that there was a reason for an opposition in the first place? Maybe we let that little "gnat" of a voice, decide our current future. Maybe we were never meant to be this diplomatic...maybe there should be lines... boundaries? Maybe,,, Just maybe... There are roles that need to be filled... Maybe there is an equality that can only be achieved by a dividence of responsibilities...roles even.
I challenge you "M"... What good has your feminism accomplished? Not feminism as the media chooses to portray it, but the one that you preach so adamantly about. What more have you accomplished? Other than a definite divide? More men imprisoned,... more war,where more men die,.... more children men are being blamed for abandoning. More spending that men are responsible for paying? What exactly were you looking to fix....How have you accomplished that goal....and as a man, I'm asking...How have you made my life better... or does that matter?
it's everywhere.... The Divide..
I can't get a job
I can't get licensed
I can't graduate
I can't buy a home
I can't drive a car
I can't live a life....
...Till Then I ask you.
So you have won... you now have control of me...what are you going to do with it?
About Face! What were we just talking about?
Was that all it took to get you to forget the last subject?
Or are you on some sort of recon mission to destroy all of this...
... debauchery?
What was I just talking about?... Do you even remember?
stay stuck on the thoughts of a majority that gets all the benefits and respect of a minority,...
and how they're entitled to win!
What was I talking about?
~SB~
I have changed, but you'd never know by my company. I have lunch with those who have murdered... I toast with those that have crippled. I drink with those that you work so hard to imprison. Yes I have changed, but not the way you were thinking...
You might think that I am not talking about you...but I am.... You let me go to prison. You let me evolve in this manner. You supported my deprivation. You did it with,.. or without acting. This would never had happened if you had done something to stop it...
So here I am now... One who only finds reality in what I can actually see is real. Say what you want about us ex-cons... at least we're real. We may not, in fact often aren't, right... but we're real. We react to real situations. We hold you accountable to those sins that you would rather not be accountable for. We do what you know should be done, but would rather sweep under the rug.
Many talk about moral objectives and what that entails... many talk about abuse and negligence... Many talk about God and what he expects... Many talk about actually standing up for something... Many talk... and that's all they ever do... Guess what.. Convicts don't talk!
We're what you can never be. We're the warriors that you're too chicken shit to be. Yes there are a lot of us that are completely fucked up, but without those fucked up individuals, how would you be able to disregard us all as a whole? It makes for a convenient excuse.
Maybe we have forgotten the benefit of having differences between each other? Maybe we have been so diluted by others arguments, that we have forgotten that there was a reason for an opposition in the first place? Maybe we let that little "gnat" of a voice, decide our current future. Maybe we were never meant to be this diplomatic...maybe there should be lines... boundaries? Maybe,,, Just maybe... There are roles that need to be filled... Maybe there is an equality that can only be achieved by a dividence of responsibilities...roles even.
I challenge you "M"... What good has your feminism accomplished? Not feminism as the media chooses to portray it, but the one that you preach so adamantly about. What more have you accomplished? Other than a definite divide? More men imprisoned,... more war,where more men die,.... more children men are being blamed for abandoning. More spending that men are responsible for paying? What exactly were you looking to fix....How have you accomplished that goal....and as a man, I'm asking...How have you made my life better... or does that matter?
it's everywhere.... The Divide..
I can't get a job
I can't get licensed
I can't graduate
I can't buy a home
I can't drive a car
I can't live a life....
...Till Then I ask you.
So you have won... you now have control of me...what are you going to do with it?
About Face! What were we just talking about?
Was that all it took to get you to forget the last subject?
Or are you on some sort of recon mission to destroy all of this...
... debauchery?
What was I just talking about?... Do you even remember?
stay stuck on the thoughts of a majority that gets all the benefits and respect of a minority,...
and how they're entitled to win!
What was I talking about?
~SB~
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Get Over It!
There are many times in my life that I come to grips with the reality of me, and all that "that" entails. I'm difficult and I contradict myself at times. I know this. I'm not as stupid as many would choose to believe. However there is a method to my own personal mayhem. I am not a vicious person. I am not a greedy person. I'm not selfish by any means, if fact... it could very well may mean my undoing to be as generous as I am.
However there are so many mistakes on my part. I constantly feel guilty about them. It could be argued that it is my guilt that allows me to continue with my recklessness. Of course I can never let on to this insecurity, but it is there, none the less. To let on to this, would mean my undoing. If I were to do so, it would allow too many gaps in my armor. My so called friends / enemies would have a field day.
So then how is one to ever get to the truth?
I realize that my generosity is so overshadowed by my current poverty, that it is impossible for many to see it. I also realize that certain indiscretions and bad choices of lately on my part make it even more difficult to see the inner glow that is mine. These poor choices have provided an amalgam of ammunition for those who choose to use it against me. However, does that make those good qualities of mine any less real? I challenge you to to think about this. Have we not all been at a point of weakness? Would you appreciate the same scrutiny that you are now showing me? At that vulnerable point in your life that allows you to relate, would you appreciate such condemnations?? If so, then by all means, continue to make your judments..." he without sin,..throw the first stone".
Several of my "friends" live a life dedicated to judgement and scrutiny, but I feel that your "higher level of morality" has actually left you with a general attitude of discontent. That you will only be impressed with those who have accomplished what you have not.Yet condemn them for accomplishing it by saying how they have loss contact with that which made them who they are. Therefore, making it impossible to ever get your approval, or blessing. Anyone close to you, that may be trying to overcome their own personal obstacles, are now regarded as nothing more than a seagull trying to be a hawk. To that I have only this to say this... Call me Jonathan.
I will continue to try and befriend that bald headed freak that lives by a double standard sword. I will continue to call the love of my life, my "wife". I will continue to put forth every effort to prove them wrong. I will continue to pursue success. I will do this for them, but ultimately for myself. Because it is through their scrutiny that I will accomplish what makes them gnash their teeth. Ultimately this is for my own good. Their disapproval of my reality is exactly what I need to accomplish my goal,.. which is to eventually get their submission. To finally say..." You have done it" Only then will I reach my utmost goal.... To get to a point when their approval no longer is significant to me... At that point, they no longer matter, which may explain why they hope, so much, for my failure.
Recently I have been accused of caring more about my image than my own happiness. This is a ridiculous attempt to justify the naysayers and their actions. I AM COOL! But not because I try to be, but because I no longer want to be "cool". I have found my style. I may be different, but I am me. I have come into my own. I have discovered myself. I recognize my weaknesses, and my strengths... and I actually like myself.
I was recently thrown into a situation that forced me to find strength in myself. It is in my opinion that everyone should have to face their own demons, and overcome them. Only then, will you ever be able to accomplish a true analyses of one's self. I encourage you to truly judge yourself before ever attempting to judge me.
So here comes the overview. I am not perfect. I long for friendships that don't long for me. I have done stupid shit. I am an ex con. I could be perceived as a person of poor quality.... However, I have a lot of talent. I have a lot of loyalty. I am capable of many great things. I am a great artist. I will one day be successful. I will overcome my bad reputation. I am a good friend. I am a good person.
So judge me, you computer tech. Judge me, you comic theater geek. Judge me, you nymphomaniac hypocrite. Judge me, you hateful cook. Judge me, you unloyal lover. Judge me, you perfect friend....You have all touched me in a truly joyfull, and truly painfull ways.... All in all it will end up the same..... I will never answer to you. Yes I may have to answer to someone, but not you! So get over it.
Don't follow me,
I may not lead...
Don't lead,
I may not follow...
Walk beside me,...
and be my friend.
(Author Unknown)
However there are so many mistakes on my part. I constantly feel guilty about them. It could be argued that it is my guilt that allows me to continue with my recklessness. Of course I can never let on to this insecurity, but it is there, none the less. To let on to this, would mean my undoing. If I were to do so, it would allow too many gaps in my armor. My so called friends / enemies would have a field day.
So then how is one to ever get to the truth?
I realize that my generosity is so overshadowed by my current poverty, that it is impossible for many to see it. I also realize that certain indiscretions and bad choices of lately on my part make it even more difficult to see the inner glow that is mine. These poor choices have provided an amalgam of ammunition for those who choose to use it against me. However, does that make those good qualities of mine any less real? I challenge you to to think about this. Have we not all been at a point of weakness? Would you appreciate the same scrutiny that you are now showing me? At that vulnerable point in your life that allows you to relate, would you appreciate such condemnations?? If so, then by all means, continue to make your judments..." he without sin,..throw the first stone".
Several of my "friends" live a life dedicated to judgement and scrutiny, but I feel that your "higher level of morality" has actually left you with a general attitude of discontent. That you will only be impressed with those who have accomplished what you have not.Yet condemn them for accomplishing it by saying how they have loss contact with that which made them who they are. Therefore, making it impossible to ever get your approval, or blessing. Anyone close to you, that may be trying to overcome their own personal obstacles, are now regarded as nothing more than a seagull trying to be a hawk. To that I have only this to say this... Call me Jonathan.
I will continue to try and befriend that bald headed freak that lives by a double standard sword. I will continue to call the love of my life, my "wife". I will continue to put forth every effort to prove them wrong. I will continue to pursue success. I will do this for them, but ultimately for myself. Because it is through their scrutiny that I will accomplish what makes them gnash their teeth. Ultimately this is for my own good. Their disapproval of my reality is exactly what I need to accomplish my goal,.. which is to eventually get their submission. To finally say..." You have done it" Only then will I reach my utmost goal.... To get to a point when their approval no longer is significant to me... At that point, they no longer matter, which may explain why they hope, so much, for my failure.
Recently I have been accused of caring more about my image than my own happiness. This is a ridiculous attempt to justify the naysayers and their actions. I AM COOL! But not because I try to be, but because I no longer want to be "cool". I have found my style. I may be different, but I am me. I have come into my own. I have discovered myself. I recognize my weaknesses, and my strengths... and I actually like myself.
I was recently thrown into a situation that forced me to find strength in myself. It is in my opinion that everyone should have to face their own demons, and overcome them. Only then, will you ever be able to accomplish a true analyses of one's self. I encourage you to truly judge yourself before ever attempting to judge me.
So here comes the overview. I am not perfect. I long for friendships that don't long for me. I have done stupid shit. I am an ex con. I could be perceived as a person of poor quality.... However, I have a lot of talent. I have a lot of loyalty. I am capable of many great things. I am a great artist. I will one day be successful. I will overcome my bad reputation. I am a good friend. I am a good person.
So judge me, you computer tech. Judge me, you comic theater geek. Judge me, you nymphomaniac hypocrite. Judge me, you hateful cook. Judge me, you unloyal lover. Judge me, you perfect friend....You have all touched me in a truly joyfull, and truly painfull ways.... All in all it will end up the same..... I will never answer to you. Yes I may have to answer to someone, but not you! So get over it.
Don't follow me,
I may not lead...
Don't lead,
I may not follow...
Walk beside me,...
and be my friend.
(Author Unknown)
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Shadow Boxin'
I never thought we would end up here (left, left, upper cut, right hook). You have no defense (jab, jab, illegal elbow). You're weak, and pathetic (right cross, gut shot). You're in a corner (upper cut, left, right, hook). Why the hell did you ever get me in this ring anyways? (chin shot, head butt, over under, KO punch!) You're OUT! I Lose.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
2 Minute Warning
I have decided that I need to write more often. In order to do this I will write for 2 minutes every time I get a hint that writing is an inclination of mine. This is my 2 minutes today.
Henry was from a small town,.. way on the western border of Townsend Oklahoma. He was a simple man. Didn't need much. Started his day with 2 eggs, half slab of bacon, and 1 and a half cups of coffee at 5:45 am... every day. After that he would shave, floss, and put on his work clothes.
First he had to milk Ginger, the over aged goat that would never stop eating anything she could find. Then he was free to tend to the pigs.Ginger was a difficult personality to deal with. Always awry, and always trifle. After all of the years Henry had been working with Ginger, he still, to this day, cannot find reason to mayhem to keep her on board. So every now and then he thinks of what it would be like if he just sold her to Johnny Crowton down the road.
Maybe it was the regularity of it. Yeah... that's it. Something normal about dealing with the same annoyance that makes Ginger, well,.. Ginger. It's that daily routine that makes Henry's world make sense. If everything was absolutely peaches, then something is definitively wrong. I mean corn don't grow sideways,.. do it?
Anyhow, it made perfect sense to Henry. And "Sense is what Sense gives"
Henry was from a small town,.. way on the western border of Townsend Oklahoma. He was a simple man. Didn't need much. Started his day with 2 eggs, half slab of bacon, and 1 and a half cups of coffee at 5:45 am... every day. After that he would shave, floss, and put on his work clothes.
First he had to milk Ginger, the over aged goat that would never stop eating anything she could find. Then he was free to tend to the pigs.Ginger was a difficult personality to deal with. Always awry, and always trifle. After all of the years Henry had been working with Ginger, he still, to this day, cannot find reason to mayhem to keep her on board. So every now and then he thinks of what it would be like if he just sold her to Johnny Crowton down the road.
Maybe it was the regularity of it. Yeah... that's it. Something normal about dealing with the same annoyance that makes Ginger, well,.. Ginger. It's that daily routine that makes Henry's world make sense. If everything was absolutely peaches, then something is definitively wrong. I mean corn don't grow sideways,.. do it?
Anyhow, it made perfect sense to Henry. And "Sense is what Sense gives"
Monday, June 27, 2011
Telepathic Communication
I had a horrific dream last night.I dreamed that one of my two worst fears came true. This sucks. I have been dreaming about the same subject ever since the night I was locked up. It's very difficult because I always have to shake off those dark feelings just to get out of bed. Today is especially difficult.
It was so real, that I wonder if it is true. The vividness of the dream was so sharp, that I felt as if it was actually happening. The indifference of me, and the disregard of my feelings. The act portraying complete innocence and ignorance to the pain caused. It was like complete reality.
Needless to say, I think it completely sucked. I woke up so distraught, that it took me 3 more hours to make myself get up, and start my homework. I feel a little better now, but that nagging feeling that the biggest mistake made yet, has been stacked onto a huge pile of big mistakes, won't go away.
Think I'm gonna grab some coffee. Shake this feeling off.
~SB~
It was so real, that I wonder if it is true. The vividness of the dream was so sharp, that I felt as if it was actually happening. The indifference of me, and the disregard of my feelings. The act portraying complete innocence and ignorance to the pain caused. It was like complete reality.
Needless to say, I think it completely sucked. I woke up so distraught, that it took me 3 more hours to make myself get up, and start my homework. I feel a little better now, but that nagging feeling that the biggest mistake made yet, has been stacked onto a huge pile of big mistakes, won't go away.
Think I'm gonna grab some coffee. Shake this feeling off.
~SB~
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
My Words Of Wisdom
SickBoy's Law
- Push past your comfort level, because only then will you improve.
- Live for the now, but take responsibility for it.
- The beer is only half full when it's your last,... and that's a good thing.
- Art is everywhere, learn to love it.
- No one will care in a hundred years, unless you did it right... Or very,... very wrong.
- Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is forever.
- Fear only leads to regrets.
- Mistakes give you an opportunity for improvement.
- If you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.
- Fuck trying...Do!
- Give out a free smoke, but smack them if they ask for two.
- Take only that you are willing to give, but will be able to give back at some point.
- Fall on your face...but get the fuck up!
- Love, no matter how much it hurts, then love some more.
- Not only challenge authority, confront it.
- Always ask why.
- Always raise with a KK, AK, QJ, 5-8, or an AA. Question QQ, and always fold Q3, 7-2, and 8-3.
- Never submit unless you have respect for what you are submitting to,...and it respects you too.
- Fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
- Never fight for those who won't fight for themselves.
- "Do not lead me, I may not follow.... Do not follow, I may not lead.... Walk beside me and be my friend" (Unknown)
~SB~
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thanks, I'll Take It From Here
I started my Typography class last night. I have Art Appreciation, and stupid Math coming up later this week. However, my Typography class should be pretty cool though. I'll be learning all about Fonts, Letters, Type, and how to manipulate them. I'll also be learning the program "In Design", which is a great thing. The teach said that if I know Typography, and Photography, then that's all I really need in this day and age to be a good graphic designer, but that I was ahead of the game, because I actually have artistic talent. Of course I felt inspired after receiving that compliment.
Now I need to get the camera that my sister gave me fixed. It was slightly damaged through a recent mis-hap, but it shouldn't take much to have it fixed. I think it just needs to be adjusted. It's a great camera though, and I think I will be relying on it heavily to start my career. Between the help I've received from friends and family getting me the equipment I have, and me doing so well in my schooling, I am beginning to see that one day I will not be so broke all of the time.
It's super frustrating right now, but this in just for now. I wont always be in this spot. Someday I will be able to look back at all those that dragged me down, or didn't ever think I was gonna be anything, and give them a giant F@#k You! Of course, by that time, I will have been so focused on my achievements, that I really won't care about what my nay-sayers are thinking. Which, that in itself will be an awesome thing.
Then I will have to focus on my next goal...TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD... Buah ha ha ha aah aah ahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!! You'll have to forgive me, I splurged this morning and drank THREE cups of coffee!
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
Now I need to get the camera that my sister gave me fixed. It was slightly damaged through a recent mis-hap, but it shouldn't take much to have it fixed. I think it just needs to be adjusted. It's a great camera though, and I think I will be relying on it heavily to start my career. Between the help I've received from friends and family getting me the equipment I have, and me doing so well in my schooling, I am beginning to see that one day I will not be so broke all of the time.
It's super frustrating right now, but this in just for now. I wont always be in this spot. Someday I will be able to look back at all those that dragged me down, or didn't ever think I was gonna be anything, and give them a giant F@#k You! Of course, by that time, I will have been so focused on my achievements, that I really won't care about what my nay-sayers are thinking. Which, that in itself will be an awesome thing.
Then I will have to focus on my next goal...TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD... Buah ha ha ha aah aah ahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!! You'll have to forgive me, I splurged this morning and drank THREE cups of coffee!
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Reporting In
Not much to write about these days. Things are better in some ways, but along with the good ya gotta take the bad.
School is going well. Lots of art, so I'm doing well there. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do fine on my finals, and that will mean a 4.0 g.p.a. I was actually working on my final project for my design class when I decided to write a little something. My friend Mia is letting me use her Wacom pad! Very exciting! I'm learning how to use that. It's basically a mouse in the shape of a pen. My hand / eye coordination is being put to the test. I know that once I get it down, it will help me immensely.
I still haven't found work. It's depressing me a bit. It's difficult to find something I can do with this bum knee of mine. It'll be much better when I get a bit more schooling under my belt. Luckily, I have friends that have odd jobs for me to do here and there. It's not a lot, but it gets me by. It's stressful though, cause you never know where your next dollar is coming from or when. I guess it's all a part of being a student, right. Be broke now, so I can be less broke later. ;D
My roommate, Dani, is doing ok. She just got herself a new car. It's a 65 VW Bug, with a rag tag paint job, a blue and red racing strip going down the center of it accented with the number 53. Yup, you guessed it, it's the Herbie car!!! It needs a decent amount of work, but it's solid. The body is straight for the most part. Some minor dings, and surface rust, but nothing major. The engine, and running gear are in really good shape. Much better than I expected. The seats are in good shape too. It needs the seals replaced around the doors, and in the fire wall by the drivers feet, along with carpet and paint, and it'll be good a nice car. A few other minor issues, but all in all, a good little Bug. I might find her a better one, and buy it, Then we'd trade, if she likes it. (that is if I can ever make any money) The 65 is nice, but I think she'll be happier with something a little newer. Like a late 60's or early 70's model. You know, the ones with retractable seat belts,head rests, a stereo, gauges, better airflow system,a few more bells and whistles that just make driving easier. I, however, prefer the simplicity of the older rigs. We'll see what happens.
Right now, since she recently lost here job, we are being as frugal as possible. I'm pretty sure that she will find a new one relatively soon. She's already scheduling interviews. She doesn't have bothersome little annoyances like a felony, or a disability getting in her way. So I believe her time spent unemployed will be short lived. Wish I could say the same for myself. It can be discouraging at times, but I know if I'm ever gonna get through this I need to stay positive and remained focused on the goal ahead.
Still have my days of overall melancholy now and then. Still think about my wife far too much. I haven't seen her in a year now, you'd think that all these feeling would have dissipated by now, but they haven't. It's getting better though. I did however, in a moment of weakness, send her a nasty text the other night. Just the general vulgarity of how she is a weak person, that runs away from her problems, rather than facing them. Of course I added the right amount of obscenities to go along with it... I regret that. When I do, on the rare occasion, try and contact her, I usually try to be civil, even alluring. I have this stupid notion in my head that she might decide to return one day. A wishful pipe dream, I know. What would happen if she actually did come back anyways? I'm not naive enough to pretend it would all be roses, apologies, and we'd live happily ever after. I know we can't go back. The person she was, is a person that no longer exists. Hell, I'm not the person I was anymore either. I wish that I hadn't sent that last text though. I'd like to think that I am better than that. Eh...shit happens I guess. I do think I spend far too much time beating myself up. God knows that the world does that enough without my aid.
When I think about it, I believe that it is the idea of what we had that I miss the most. I realize that Jamie, as a person, is easily replaced. I've had several offers already, but have passed them all up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here living the life of a monk. I get mine on occasion. No, I think it was the connection, and the compatibility that keeps me from making any commitment to another woman. I think that once you tasted what it is like to be with someone who truly fits with you, then why bother with anyone that "will do"? I don't want someone that "will do", and since I have also realized that the perfect fit is a rare thing, I don't waste my time running around "trying on" new women. It just seems futile to me. I think that is why I wallow so much in the loss of my wife. It's not Schmoe that can't be replaced, it's the way she used to fit. I say used to, because , as I have already mention, that woman no longer exist. The only thing left of that woman is my memories. I am beginning to realize that it isn't healthy for me to hang on to those memories so tightly. All they do is turn me into a crazy person.
All in all, I think I'm gonna be ok. My biggest concern right now is my financial situation. I think the solution to that, is keeping my chin up, and keeping my faith that it will all work itself out. All things happen for a reason. If I can remember that , and not focus on what happened, but what I need to learn from it, then I am a step closer to success. A step further would be to actually learn the lesson, apply it, then move on. Things are gonna be ok. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I excited to be in the light again.
~SB~
School is going well. Lots of art, so I'm doing well there. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do fine on my finals, and that will mean a 4.0 g.p.a. I was actually working on my final project for my design class when I decided to write a little something. My friend Mia is letting me use her Wacom pad! Very exciting! I'm learning how to use that. It's basically a mouse in the shape of a pen. My hand / eye coordination is being put to the test. I know that once I get it down, it will help me immensely.
I still haven't found work. It's depressing me a bit. It's difficult to find something I can do with this bum knee of mine. It'll be much better when I get a bit more schooling under my belt. Luckily, I have friends that have odd jobs for me to do here and there. It's not a lot, but it gets me by. It's stressful though, cause you never know where your next dollar is coming from or when. I guess it's all a part of being a student, right. Be broke now, so I can be less broke later. ;D
My roommate, Dani, is doing ok. She just got herself a new car. It's a 65 VW Bug, with a rag tag paint job, a blue and red racing strip going down the center of it accented with the number 53. Yup, you guessed it, it's the Herbie car!!! It needs a decent amount of work, but it's solid. The body is straight for the most part. Some minor dings, and surface rust, but nothing major. The engine, and running gear are in really good shape. Much better than I expected. The seats are in good shape too. It needs the seals replaced around the doors, and in the fire wall by the drivers feet, along with carpet and paint, and it'll be good a nice car. A few other minor issues, but all in all, a good little Bug. I might find her a better one, and buy it, Then we'd trade, if she likes it. (that is if I can ever make any money) The 65 is nice, but I think she'll be happier with something a little newer. Like a late 60's or early 70's model. You know, the ones with retractable seat belts,head rests, a stereo, gauges, better airflow system,a few more bells and whistles that just make driving easier. I, however, prefer the simplicity of the older rigs. We'll see what happens.
Right now, since she recently lost here job, we are being as frugal as possible. I'm pretty sure that she will find a new one relatively soon. She's already scheduling interviews. She doesn't have bothersome little annoyances like a felony, or a disability getting in her way. So I believe her time spent unemployed will be short lived. Wish I could say the same for myself. It can be discouraging at times, but I know if I'm ever gonna get through this I need to stay positive and remained focused on the goal ahead.
Still have my days of overall melancholy now and then. Still think about my wife far too much. I haven't seen her in a year now, you'd think that all these feeling would have dissipated by now, but they haven't. It's getting better though. I did however, in a moment of weakness, send her a nasty text the other night. Just the general vulgarity of how she is a weak person, that runs away from her problems, rather than facing them. Of course I added the right amount of obscenities to go along with it... I regret that. When I do, on the rare occasion, try and contact her, I usually try to be civil, even alluring. I have this stupid notion in my head that she might decide to return one day. A wishful pipe dream, I know. What would happen if she actually did come back anyways? I'm not naive enough to pretend it would all be roses, apologies, and we'd live happily ever after. I know we can't go back. The person she was, is a person that no longer exists. Hell, I'm not the person I was anymore either. I wish that I hadn't sent that last text though. I'd like to think that I am better than that. Eh...shit happens I guess. I do think I spend far too much time beating myself up. God knows that the world does that enough without my aid.
When I think about it, I believe that it is the idea of what we had that I miss the most. I realize that Jamie, as a person, is easily replaced. I've had several offers already, but have passed them all up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here living the life of a monk. I get mine on occasion. No, I think it was the connection, and the compatibility that keeps me from making any commitment to another woman. I think that once you tasted what it is like to be with someone who truly fits with you, then why bother with anyone that "will do"? I don't want someone that "will do", and since I have also realized that the perfect fit is a rare thing, I don't waste my time running around "trying on" new women. It just seems futile to me. I think that is why I wallow so much in the loss of my wife. It's not Schmoe that can't be replaced, it's the way she used to fit. I say used to, because , as I have already mention, that woman no longer exist. The only thing left of that woman is my memories. I am beginning to realize that it isn't healthy for me to hang on to those memories so tightly. All they do is turn me into a crazy person.
All in all, I think I'm gonna be ok. My biggest concern right now is my financial situation. I think the solution to that, is keeping my chin up, and keeping my faith that it will all work itself out. All things happen for a reason. If I can remember that , and not focus on what happened, but what I need to learn from it, then I am a step closer to success. A step further would be to actually learn the lesson, apply it, then move on. Things are gonna be ok. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I excited to be in the light again.
~SB~
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Miracle
Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to have three "Great Loves". Each one greater than the one before. The thing about a "Great Love", is that the dreams don't ever end. The heart never fully recovers. Sure, the longer you are separated, the duller the the pain of losing them becomes, but you never forget a "Great Love". The pain of losing them, is never completely washed away. My first one ended almost 20 years ago. Yet still, she will creep into my mind on occasion. And when she does, so do all the memories. While I still hurt over the memory of losing her, I love the feeling that all the other memories bring me. Of course, like any other wound, the fresher it is, the more it hurts. The easier it is for the stitches to break. But I am lucky, especially with my last "Great Love". I have gotten the chance to really love someone. Someone once really loved me too, and that,....
....is a miracle.
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
....is a miracle.
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
Monday, April 11, 2011
Draw That Line!
It doesn't matter how right you are.. when the one , (or the one's,) you love, choose to side against you... At that point.... you have to make a decision ...ARE YOU RIGHT?!?!?..
And what are you willing to do about it??!!??!!
Sometimes it doesn't matter how right you are. You will still have to suffer the consequences... The consequences of following the choices of your your beliefs. Sometimes, you just have to realize,... you have done everything right, but it just wasn't enough! Not just enough for them, but not necessarily enough in general.
There are many factors to this outcome ... What you must decide is ... in a hundred years, will anyone give a shit? If not, then I say fuck it,.. and fuck them .. when put into perspective, they're obviously not worth it.
Perspective ... Now there is a notion.
I've fucked up a lot in my life, and I still pay for many of those mistakes. Sometimes, realizing that, doesn't make anything easier. In fact,.. when you see someone you care very deeply about, making the same mistakes, it makes it harder. Not only because you can see the mistakes they're making, but that you see that you can't stop them.
As a person who had to put my hand on the stove, to realize that they were telling the truth when they said it would burn me,... I feels so helpless, when I see a loved one reaching out for that burner.
When you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.
~SB~
And what are you willing to do about it??!!??!!
Sometimes it doesn't matter how right you are. You will still have to suffer the consequences... The consequences of following the choices of your your beliefs. Sometimes, you just have to realize,... you have done everything right, but it just wasn't enough! Not just enough for them, but not necessarily enough in general.
There are many factors to this outcome ... What you must decide is ... in a hundred years, will anyone give a shit? If not, then I say fuck it,.. and fuck them .. when put into perspective, they're obviously not worth it.
Perspective ... Now there is a notion.
I've fucked up a lot in my life, and I still pay for many of those mistakes. Sometimes, realizing that, doesn't make anything easier. In fact,.. when you see someone you care very deeply about, making the same mistakes, it makes it harder. Not only because you can see the mistakes they're making, but that you see that you can't stop them.
As a person who had to put my hand on the stove, to realize that they were telling the truth when they said it would burn me,... I feels so helpless, when I see a loved one reaching out for that burner.
When you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.
~SB~
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Holy Roller
I have this homework assignment that requires me to make a 11 x 17 poster ad that includes a sporting event background. My professor wants to see action. Since I am broke, and can't afford to purchase images at the quality level, and size that I need, I have decided to dray up my own image. I have chosen Roller Derby as my sport. I am thinking that I will use a comic book sort of format, and would like to back it up with some actual photography. However, I think I will end up drawing the entire picture myself. Later I will import my drawing into Photoshop and make a slew of adjustments.
It's times like this that I really miss Schmoe. While she and I are very different artists, she has a knowledge and perspective that I have always admired.
I hope this piece comes out well. I don't know though. Some of my proportions are a bit extreme. However, this is common in comic book art. I am just in the sketching mode, but I can see already, that by choosing to draw my own image, old school style, and incorporate it into a modern art form, I am taking a big risk.
Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.
It's times like this that I really miss Schmoe. While she and I are very different artists, she has a knowledge and perspective that I have always admired.
I hope this piece comes out well. I don't know though. Some of my proportions are a bit extreme. However, this is common in comic book art. I am just in the sketching mode, but I can see already, that by choosing to draw my own image, old school style, and incorporate it into a modern art form, I am taking a big risk.
Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Too Bad...
It's just too bad that all of those letters, all of those visits, all of those conversations, all of those nights... are a waste .. It's just too bad..
I Wish I Wish I Wish...
So we're getting down to it. I am beginning to realize what is going on. I was gone for a little too long. Now... for many, 15 months isn't that much, especially when you have already gone through the first 13, but to some people, it's just too much.
It seems that my wife is one of those casualties. That it was just too long... By a hair. But too long, none the same.
I don't believe that she has forgotten all that we were, but I understand now that she wants to forget, and that leads to so many of the decisions made today.
It is so very sad that it has come to this. It is so very sad that she needs to remember me in such a light, but it makes sense .. I guess
The truth is, she has moved on. She has committed to her decision. That once, I was a decision that she had committed to, but now, she has forsaken that choice for another.
Actually, it was her dedication to her choices that drew me to her the most. Now that her dedication is focused elsewhere, how can I blame her?
I only regret that her dedication couldn't last another 58 days. Maybe we would be better for it in the end. I would like to believe so. However she disagree's. She has chosen to hate everything that brought her to here ... I guess so must I.
So I will continue on .. once again single .. a place I look not forward to. However is is what it is.
I miss her dedication. I understand the dedication she now has. It makes sense I suppose. It's too bad that she wouldn't face me head on. Guess she knew that she couldn't.
I miss her being my everything, guess she doesn't. However I guess it makes sense.
So it's over... not the way that I would hope for, but over none the same. I wish you the best my love. I only hope that you can remember one great thing about me. I hope. I wish ... I wish ... Just one great thing...
It seems that my wife is one of those casualties. That it was just too long... By a hair. But too long, none the same.
I don't believe that she has forgotten all that we were, but I understand now that she wants to forget, and that leads to so many of the decisions made today.
It is so very sad that it has come to this. It is so very sad that she needs to remember me in such a light, but it makes sense .. I guess
The truth is, she has moved on. She has committed to her decision. That once, I was a decision that she had committed to, but now, she has forsaken that choice for another.
Actually, it was her dedication to her choices that drew me to her the most. Now that her dedication is focused elsewhere, how can I blame her?
I only regret that her dedication couldn't last another 58 days. Maybe we would be better for it in the end. I would like to believe so. However she disagree's. She has chosen to hate everything that brought her to here ... I guess so must I.
So I will continue on .. once again single .. a place I look not forward to. However is is what it is.
I miss her dedication. I understand the dedication she now has. It makes sense I suppose. It's too bad that she wouldn't face me head on. Guess she knew that she couldn't.
I miss her being my everything, guess she doesn't. However I guess it makes sense.
So it's over... not the way that I would hope for, but over none the same. I wish you the best my love. I only hope that you can remember one great thing about me. I hope. I wish ... I wish ... Just one great thing...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Careful What You Wish For
Tonight I was punched in the stomach by the one I have never loved more.
When will you stop lying love? When will you become yourself again? When will you admit that you have made some bad choices? Cause there is no future till you do.
Tonight I realized,... that I have to admit,... that I never really knew someone,.. someone that I have known for so long. That there is a crazy that can be hidden from my sight, till that crazy has been turned against me. That no matter what I try to do right, that there will always be those that I tried to help, who will use these helpful actions as ammunition against me. That it just may be just as foolish as everyone says, to ever really trust someone. That I am truly a fool.
Tonight I learned that there is a price to be paid for love. And that it's not worth it.
When will you stop lying love? When will you become yourself again? When will you admit that you have made some bad choices? Cause there is no future till you do.
Tonight I realized,... that I have to admit,... that I never really knew someone,.. someone that I have known for so long. That there is a crazy that can be hidden from my sight, till that crazy has been turned against me. That no matter what I try to do right, that there will always be those that I tried to help, who will use these helpful actions as ammunition against me. That it just may be just as foolish as everyone says, to ever really trust someone. That I am truly a fool.
Tonight I learned that there is a price to be paid for love. And that it's not worth it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Quick Idea
So I am trying to get a job right now, and there seems to be nothing out there. So I'm thinking of ideas, and here's one that popped into my head. Why don't we have a government agency to keep our monuments clean and in good shape. I mean the Statue of Liberty could probably employ 500 people a year alone. How many people in this country don't know that it's copper? There are statues, and monuments in just about every city in this country. There are thousands of jobs right there. I mean we have agency's that has the sole purpose to find ways to lock up people, how come we don't have more agency's that could actually help people?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Kettle ..You're Black!
It's a quarter to six in the morning. I had another one of those dreams about Schmoe that wakes me up. I can never fall back asleep after one of those. It doesn't help that I have screwed things up with my best friend either.(Although with that situation, I can't help feeling that I may be being used as a diversion to accomplish an alternative motive. Not that I don't deserve to be thrown under the bus, I do. But it feels like it's being done to save face.) These dreams always are the same. I mean they vary from scenario, to scenario, but the point is always the same. I still miss her. It's been 5 1/2 months since the realization that "she is really gone", was forced down my throat, and nearly 9 months since I've seen her. Yet this feeling that "this isn't really over", still lingers in my subconscious. For some reason, I just can't believe that this is real.
I've gotta stop this. I'm never gonna take over the world like this. And I am, still, gonna take over the world! Just as soon as I stop self destructing. I am gonna get my shit together, pull my head outta my ass, and take over the world! It may take a bit longer then originally expected, now that my other half has decided to become a selfish, evil little wh@$%, but it will happen! And once I do take over the world, I am banishing all selfish, evil little wh@$#'s to their own island, where they can all f@#k themselves to death. And I am shipping every mosquito in Minnesota to this island. And I am taking anything that can be used as meat off the island (except fish of course, because lets be honest, just because I am gonna rule the world, still doesn't give me power over the ocean) Oh! And all the fire ants in California too. They're going over there too. And it's gonna be someplace hot, with no trees, only puny little bushes that offer very little in shade. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! And crocodiles too, that shoot acid from their mouths! Yeah,.. that's what I am gonna do.
Of course I might end up regretting this, because if I keep going the route I have been going in, I may be forced to place myself on this here island. And that would be completely unacceptable. I may have to rethink this, let me get back to you. I'm still taking over though... Just you wait! I've still gotta work out a few details, that's all.
~SB~
I've gotta stop this. I'm never gonna take over the world like this. And I am, still, gonna take over the world! Just as soon as I stop self destructing. I am gonna get my shit together, pull my head outta my ass, and take over the world! It may take a bit longer then originally expected, now that my other half has decided to become a selfish, evil little wh@$%, but it will happen! And once I do take over the world, I am banishing all selfish, evil little wh@$#'s to their own island, where they can all f@#k themselves to death. And I am shipping every mosquito in Minnesota to this island. And I am taking anything that can be used as meat off the island (except fish of course, because lets be honest, just because I am gonna rule the world, still doesn't give me power over the ocean) Oh! And all the fire ants in California too. They're going over there too. And it's gonna be someplace hot, with no trees, only puny little bushes that offer very little in shade. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! And crocodiles too, that shoot acid from their mouths! Yeah,.. that's what I am gonna do.
Of course I might end up regretting this, because if I keep going the route I have been going in, I may be forced to place myself on this here island. And that would be completely unacceptable. I may have to rethink this, let me get back to you. I'm still taking over though... Just you wait! I've still gotta work out a few details, that's all.
~SB~
Friday, February 18, 2011
What If You Were Me?
Once I was ....
...Oh who the fuck cares?! ..
... Bottom line is,.. now who am I. I can sit here, and converse about all of my past escapades, but if I am not doing anything now, then what does it matter. I mean, if you cannot adapt and continue, then die and move on.
Once I was this giant rock star / playboy, that had more pussy than I knew what to do with. Now I wouldn't know what to do with it, if I had it. What happened? (what the fuck happened?)
I'll tell ya what happened. I got logical. Typically I would say that this is a good thing, but in this particular case, I would say the opposite. I don't care for anything anymore. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. I think I may have finally bought into that new, 21st century thinking of "whatever will be, will be" as long as "it will be for me". I say this with very little conviction however, because, honestly, I think it's a bunch of horse shit!
I am so sick of all of these insecure, egotistical, self righteous bastards, who look at a woman and see what they can improve. Never taking the time to see what they can't replace. In turn, I am sick of all these gold digging whores that look at a man for what they can get from them, never taking responsibility of what they may have accomplished on their own, and blaming me, and others of my same stature, for failures they should own for themselves.
Why are we more interested in pruning our women and castrating our men. Why is it easier for a woman to lacerate their labia, and lazier off their hair, then it is for them to nurture and care for a man? Not to mention, more politically correct.... (whatever the fuck that oxymoron is supposed to mean.)
Why is it easier for a man to shave his balls, and wax his chest than to be assertive, or creative,or at least keep more than half of what he has built?
Why is it easier for us to go against everything that comes natural, than to just admit that "Hey! There are differences! (and) That's OK!!!
Now don't think that I have some hidden agenda here. Also, don't think that I have completely disregarded the alternative lifestyle in any way. However, is it wrong for me to talk about what is common? Is it, because it is common, that it has no right to an opinion?
Bottom line. I am am man. I am not a perfect man, but I have proven myself good enough to have a good life. A good woman, and a chance at pure happiness. Or any happiness in whatever I can find. Don't I?
Now, can you imagine how many "activists" I offended, by just saying that?
I'm just saying...
~SB~
...Oh who the fuck cares?! ..
... Bottom line is,.. now who am I. I can sit here, and converse about all of my past escapades, but if I am not doing anything now, then what does it matter. I mean, if you cannot adapt and continue, then die and move on.
Once I was this giant rock star / playboy, that had more pussy than I knew what to do with. Now I wouldn't know what to do with it, if I had it. What happened? (what the fuck happened?)
I'll tell ya what happened. I got logical. Typically I would say that this is a good thing, but in this particular case, I would say the opposite. I don't care for anything anymore. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. I think I may have finally bought into that new, 21st century thinking of "whatever will be, will be" as long as "it will be for me". I say this with very little conviction however, because, honestly, I think it's a bunch of horse shit!
I am so sick of all of these insecure, egotistical, self righteous bastards, who look at a woman and see what they can improve. Never taking the time to see what they can't replace. In turn, I am sick of all these gold digging whores that look at a man for what they can get from them, never taking responsibility of what they may have accomplished on their own, and blaming me, and others of my same stature, for failures they should own for themselves.
Why are we more interested in pruning our women and castrating our men. Why is it easier for a woman to lacerate their labia, and lazier off their hair, then it is for them to nurture and care for a man? Not to mention, more politically correct.... (whatever the fuck that oxymoron is supposed to mean.)
Why is it easier for a man to shave his balls, and wax his chest than to be assertive, or creative,or at least keep more than half of what he has built?
Why is it easier for us to go against everything that comes natural, than to just admit that "Hey! There are differences! (and) That's OK!!!
Now don't think that I have some hidden agenda here. Also, don't think that I have completely disregarded the alternative lifestyle in any way. However, is it wrong for me to talk about what is common? Is it, because it is common, that it has no right to an opinion?
Bottom line. I am am man. I am not a perfect man, but I have proven myself good enough to have a good life. A good woman, and a chance at pure happiness. Or any happiness in whatever I can find. Don't I?
Now, can you imagine how many "activists" I offended, by just saying that?
I'm just saying...
~SB~
Saturday, February 12, 2011
The Definition of Insanity
As most of ya already know, I was recently released from prison. I had gotten into a drunk driving accident, and it cost me everything. Literally EVERYTHING! I have been struggling to move forward, but it hasn't been easy. It could be a lot worse though, if my friends Dave and Dani hadn't stepped up and helped me. For that I will be eternally grateful.
The mental and emotion trauma that one experiences cannot really be explained. It's second only to the physical abuse one is forced to overcome. I feel that the way the authority's treat you is just as bad as the fellow inmates. It's tough not to believe that you really are the piece of shit that they all believe you are. I was lucky. I had a wife that loved me, and stood by me. Allowing that anchor I need to hold me in reality, and to remind me that the world I was in, wasn't the real world. It gave me the pride to know that I was not like the rest of them. That I could hold my head up. That was, until she left.
When my wife left me, I had to re-evaluate my situation. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I deserve this. You can't help thinking these thoughts. Especially with the manner of viciousness and spite that my wife left. I still struggle with it today. I have a hard time being in large groups. I am quick to irritation. It's hard for me to enjoy myself outside of the house. I am always paranoid. I am always waiting for someone to come and take everything away again. I believe that I deserve it. I can't find a decent job. And after the one person who was supposed to love, and stand beside me for the rest of my life so ruthlessly destroyed what was left of it, I believe that I am a bad person.
I am not telling you this to get sympathy, or for you to pity me. I would like to educate people on some of the aspects of society that we have created. You see, I believe that we take good people in this country, and when they make a mistake, we put them in a place where they have to become bad people in order to survive. When you get locked up, you had better learn to do what you gotta do, and you had better learn it quick. By the time it is all over, you have now become a man that you can no longer be proud of, and you learn that the only people that understand you are people you never wanted to be associated with in the first place. This is reinforced by the way your family and friends treat you. By the way perspective employers treat you. By the way your P.O. treats ya. Some of it, in fact I'd bet that most of it, is unintentional. People don't realize that what happened to me, can happen to any one of you. So they look at me, and treat me differently, and I notice it. I don't like it.
I was driving 37 miles an hour around a corner when my truck tipped over and slid into someones yard. I knocked over some trash cans and caused an elderly woman to fall over, which in turn caused her to fracture a rib, and a laceration to her head. No one was permanently injured. (Thank God) Two private investigators, and the investigators of the Multnomah County Sheriff's office all testified that they had no idea how this accident happened, and that it was due to vehicle malfunction. Before this accident, I had a perfect driving record. Yes I had been drinking the night before, and I should not have gotten in that truck. That was stupid, stupid mistake. A terrible error in judgement. However, this accident would have happened had I been drinking or not. I hadn't realized the truck was in that bad of shape. I had just gotten it out of the shop, and both me and the mechanic had missed the suspension issues.
For this, I was forced to give up everything good that I had in my life. Everything I owned or loved was stripped from me. I was humiliated repeatedly, on a daily basis. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and now walk with a limp that I will probably have for the rest of my life. I am scorned, and scrutinized, even by some of the people who are supposed to be on my side. I am monitored, and know that there are people just waiting for me to screw up so they can lock me right back up. Worst of all, I actually believe now that I am a bad person. That this is what I probably deserve at some level. When you feel like that, it is very difficult to rise above it, although I continue to try.
What I challenge from you all, is to think about where we as a people are heading in our society. Are we going to continue to lock up good people for making bad choices, which in the end only produce bad people. We are locking up our fathers, and sons for a drunken bar fight. Not just for a few hours to cool off, but for 70 months. When these men get out, they really are something to be concerned with. Where, if we had just dumped a bucket of ice water on them, the whole situation could have been de-fused. We are no longer a nation of justice, of right or wrong, but a nation of winning and losing. Where the almighty dollar is in whom we trust. If you've got money, you can probably stay out of jail, but if you don't, then walk gently and in fear, because if you get caught making a mistake, it will cost you everything.
We keep locking up these people, expecting to solve the problem. However when most of these men are released, they have nothing on the outside for them. So inevitably they end up turning to drugs, and alcohol, which in turn leads to something stupid happening again. So what do we do? We lock them up again. Well if that didn't work the first time, then rinse and repeat till it does. What was it they say about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Isn't that what we as a country are doing right now? Now with just the prison system, but with the War on Drugs, our Education Platform, the War on Terror, Social Security, Welfare, Public Medical, and Dental, Big Corporate Business, Kick backs, and Bailouts, ect. ect. ect. The list just goes on and on.
~Here's a few facts and quotes I found for you to think about.~
- 7.2 million Americans were either on parole, probation or incarcerated at the end of 2006. That's roughly 1 out of every 31 adults.
- The U.S. has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world. We have more people locked up then some countries have people.
- Approximately one in every eighteen men in the U.S. are either behind bars or are being monitored in some form.
- A 2002 study survey showed that among the 275,000 prisoners that were released in 1994, 67.5% were rearrested, and 51.8% were back in prison before they were out three years.
- The U.S. spends 6 times more on Corrections then it does on Education.
- In 2008 the U.S. spent 49 Billion dollars on Corrections.
- It is estimated that 1 in 9 state government employees works in corrections.
~Another Quote~
"High rates of incarceration may be due to sentence length for crimes such as theft and drug possession. Repeat offenders may not be properly handled due to a lack of focus on rehabilitation. Shorter sentences may even diminish the criminal culture by possibly reducing re-arrest rates for first-time convicts. The U.S. Congress has ordered that federal judges make imprisonment decisions "recognizing that imprisonment is not an appropriate means of promoting correction and rehabilitation."
: References
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States
http://rinf.com/alt-news/contributions/general/us-spends-6-times-more-on-prisons-than-education/2600/
http://economistsview.typepad.com/economistsview/2006/05/incarceration_r.html
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35455
The mental and emotion trauma that one experiences cannot really be explained. It's second only to the physical abuse one is forced to overcome. I feel that the way the authority's treat you is just as bad as the fellow inmates. It's tough not to believe that you really are the piece of shit that they all believe you are. I was lucky. I had a wife that loved me, and stood by me. Allowing that anchor I need to hold me in reality, and to remind me that the world I was in, wasn't the real world. It gave me the pride to know that I was not like the rest of them. That I could hold my head up. That was, until she left.
When my wife left me, I had to re-evaluate my situation. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I deserve this. You can't help thinking these thoughts. Especially with the manner of viciousness and spite that my wife left. I still struggle with it today. I have a hard time being in large groups. I am quick to irritation. It's hard for me to enjoy myself outside of the house. I am always paranoid. I am always waiting for someone to come and take everything away again. I believe that I deserve it. I can't find a decent job. And after the one person who was supposed to love, and stand beside me for the rest of my life so ruthlessly destroyed what was left of it, I believe that I am a bad person.
I am not telling you this to get sympathy, or for you to pity me. I would like to educate people on some of the aspects of society that we have created. You see, I believe that we take good people in this country, and when they make a mistake, we put them in a place where they have to become bad people in order to survive. When you get locked up, you had better learn to do what you gotta do, and you had better learn it quick. By the time it is all over, you have now become a man that you can no longer be proud of, and you learn that the only people that understand you are people you never wanted to be associated with in the first place. This is reinforced by the way your family and friends treat you. By the way perspective employers treat you. By the way your P.O. treats ya. Some of it, in fact I'd bet that most of it, is unintentional. People don't realize that what happened to me, can happen to any one of you. So they look at me, and treat me differently, and I notice it. I don't like it.
I was driving 37 miles an hour around a corner when my truck tipped over and slid into someones yard. I knocked over some trash cans and caused an elderly woman to fall over, which in turn caused her to fracture a rib, and a laceration to her head. No one was permanently injured. (Thank God) Two private investigators, and the investigators of the Multnomah County Sheriff's office all testified that they had no idea how this accident happened, and that it was due to vehicle malfunction. Before this accident, I had a perfect driving record. Yes I had been drinking the night before, and I should not have gotten in that truck. That was stupid, stupid mistake. A terrible error in judgement. However, this accident would have happened had I been drinking or not. I hadn't realized the truck was in that bad of shape. I had just gotten it out of the shop, and both me and the mechanic had missed the suspension issues.
For this, I was forced to give up everything good that I had in my life. Everything I owned or loved was stripped from me. I was humiliated repeatedly, on a daily basis. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and now walk with a limp that I will probably have for the rest of my life. I am scorned, and scrutinized, even by some of the people who are supposed to be on my side. I am monitored, and know that there are people just waiting for me to screw up so they can lock me right back up. Worst of all, I actually believe now that I am a bad person. That this is what I probably deserve at some level. When you feel like that, it is very difficult to rise above it, although I continue to try.
What I challenge from you all, is to think about where we as a people are heading in our society. Are we going to continue to lock up good people for making bad choices, which in the end only produce bad people. We are locking up our fathers, and sons for a drunken bar fight. Not just for a few hours to cool off, but for 70 months. When these men get out, they really are something to be concerned with. Where, if we had just dumped a bucket of ice water on them, the whole situation could have been de-fused. We are no longer a nation of justice, of right or wrong, but a nation of winning and losing. Where the almighty dollar is in whom we trust. If you've got money, you can probably stay out of jail, but if you don't, then walk gently and in fear, because if you get caught making a mistake, it will cost you everything.
We keep locking up these people, expecting to solve the problem. However when most of these men are released, they have nothing on the outside for them. So inevitably they end up turning to drugs, and alcohol, which in turn leads to something stupid happening again. So what do we do? We lock them up again. Well if that didn't work the first time, then rinse and repeat till it does. What was it they say about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Isn't that what we as a country are doing right now? Now with just the prison system, but with the War on Drugs, our Education Platform, the War on Terror, Social Security, Welfare, Public Medical, and Dental, Big Corporate Business, Kick backs, and Bailouts, ect. ect. ect. The list just goes on and on.
~Here's a few facts and quotes I found for you to think about.~
- 7.2 million Americans were either on parole, probation or incarcerated at the end of 2006. That's roughly 1 out of every 31 adults.
- The U.S. has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world. We have more people locked up then some countries have people.
- Approximately one in every eighteen men in the U.S. are either behind bars or are being monitored in some form.
- A 2002 study survey showed that among the 275,000 prisoners that were released in 1994, 67.5% were rearrested, and 51.8% were back in prison before they were out three years.
- The U.S. spends 6 times more on Corrections then it does on Education.
- In 2008 the U.S. spent 49 Billion dollars on Corrections.
- It is estimated that 1 in 9 state government employees works in corrections.
~Another Quote~
"High rates of incarceration may be due to sentence length for crimes such as theft and drug possession. Repeat offenders may not be properly handled due to a lack of focus on rehabilitation. Shorter sentences may even diminish the criminal culture by possibly reducing re-arrest rates for first-time convicts. The U.S. Congress has ordered that federal judges make imprisonment decisions "recognizing that imprisonment is not an appropriate means of promoting correction and rehabilitation."
Critics have lambasted the United States for incarcerating a large number of non-violent and victimless offenders; half of all persons incarcerated under state jurisdiction are for non-violent offenses, and 20% are incarcerated for drug offenses (in State prisons, Federal prison percentages are higher). "Human Rights Watch believes the extraordinary rate of incarceration in the United States wreaks havoc on individuals, families and communities, and saps the strength of the nation as a whole." The population of inmates housed in prisons and jails in the United States exceeds 2 million, with the per capita incarceration population higher than that officially reported by any other country. Because of its size and influence, the U.S. prison industry may be referred to as the prison-industrial complex. Criminal justice policy in the United States has also been criticized for a number of other reasons." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States
Just a few thoughts for you to stick in you pipe and smoke. I am not saying that I have the answers to correct the problem, just that I know first hand that there is a problem. I would like for people to start listening to the ones who do have answers. Instead of the right wing extremest, with the biggest soap box to stand on
Just Saying,
~SB~
: References
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States
http://rinf.com/alt-news/contributions/general/us-spends-6-times-more-on-prisons-than-education/2600/
http://economistsview.typepad.com/economistsview/2006/05/incarceration_r.html
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35455
Friday, February 4, 2011
Me & You till it's Me vs. You
So you think you know what it means to bleed. What it means to grieve. What it means to disagree.... Try standing against, the only one, with whom you could believe in,... the only one, with whom you could feel free to breathe.
I recently was confronted with a reality that I could not avoid. Like I didn't hear it coming. I had to confront the fact that I am now at war with the one I love the most. This is an impossible situation, because even if you win, you lose.
However I still love these moments. These moments when I get to sit here in my chair, with my hands behind my head, trying to think of the next great thing to say. Yet, I hate the situations that put me in this situation... Sometimes I wonder if I create these drama's to fill my pallet of unused creativity. Or maybe I just allow situations to evolve so I can sit back and claim the victim? Maybe this takes away any validation I was looking for. Or maybe I was looking for that discredit. Maybe I am just as full of shit as I've always said I was. Maybe .. maybe.. maybe ...
Maybe I am sober when you think I am not. Maybe I'm not when you think I am. Maybe neither one of us know a god damn thing about how to figure out the VW's Transfer/Clutch plate vs. a real Transmission. Maybe we're all full of shit. Maybe we're not. Maybe someone has some sort of clue. I sure as hell hope so.
So it seems I'm out of sorts today... Like I have not a direction. This may be the truth, sadly. I do have a point here, but I haven't quite rightly figured out the direction I need to pull it from yet. So please bear with me.
How about I just tell ya a little story about myself and my dear Ol' (f%^ up) mother. We'll start with that.
There was this one weekend that I had made a descent chunk o' change, and had the next few days off. So out of complete spontaneousness, I decided to drive up to my mothers place. Now for those of you that do not know my mother, let me just say that she is a conversational piece. Not only in Hazard County, but the world around. I even remember calling my sister that night to get directions.
Anyways, the point is that I decided for the first time since me and Schmoe were together to do something completely on my own. I didn't ask permission, and with my girl, Schmoe, I didn't need to. Of course I called her and told her my plans, and of course she was completely supportive. However, I can not remember ever feeling more guilty. Here I was out visiting my mother and all I could think about was how I left my girl behind. The guilt was unbearable. I spent two days with my mom, and then broke every speed law between the two states of Washington and Oregon, with a half flat tire and, a full gut of whiskey, to get back to my baby, I felt so alone and guilty.
This is the woman I am at odds with now ... ughhh...
Less than 6 weeks later I was arrested for taking her out to breakfast.
Before the next year was up, my girl had left,.... and I was left with the "here after".
Got 16 days .. Got the Rosary, and the U-joint chamber ..
Got 16 days, and still have the ring on this fella's middle member...
I'm just saying ..
~SB~
I recently was confronted with a reality that I could not avoid. Like I didn't hear it coming. I had to confront the fact that I am now at war with the one I love the most. This is an impossible situation, because even if you win, you lose.
However I still love these moments. These moments when I get to sit here in my chair, with my hands behind my head, trying to think of the next great thing to say. Yet, I hate the situations that put me in this situation... Sometimes I wonder if I create these drama's to fill my pallet of unused creativity. Or maybe I just allow situations to evolve so I can sit back and claim the victim? Maybe this takes away any validation I was looking for. Or maybe I was looking for that discredit. Maybe I am just as full of shit as I've always said I was. Maybe .. maybe.. maybe ...
Maybe I am sober when you think I am not. Maybe I'm not when you think I am. Maybe neither one of us know a god damn thing about how to figure out the VW's Transfer/Clutch plate vs. a real Transmission. Maybe we're all full of shit. Maybe we're not. Maybe someone has some sort of clue. I sure as hell hope so.
So it seems I'm out of sorts today... Like I have not a direction. This may be the truth, sadly. I do have a point here, but I haven't quite rightly figured out the direction I need to pull it from yet. So please bear with me.
How about I just tell ya a little story about myself and my dear Ol' (f%^ up) mother. We'll start with that.
There was this one weekend that I had made a descent chunk o' change, and had the next few days off. So out of complete spontaneousness, I decided to drive up to my mothers place. Now for those of you that do not know my mother, let me just say that she is a conversational piece. Not only in Hazard County, but the world around. I even remember calling my sister that night to get directions.
Anyways, the point is that I decided for the first time since me and Schmoe were together to do something completely on my own. I didn't ask permission, and with my girl, Schmoe, I didn't need to. Of course I called her and told her my plans, and of course she was completely supportive. However, I can not remember ever feeling more guilty. Here I was out visiting my mother and all I could think about was how I left my girl behind. The guilt was unbearable. I spent two days with my mom, and then broke every speed law between the two states of Washington and Oregon, with a half flat tire and, a full gut of whiskey, to get back to my baby, I felt so alone and guilty.
This is the woman I am at odds with now ... ughhh...
Less than 6 weeks later I was arrested for taking her out to breakfast.
Before the next year was up, my girl had left,.... and I was left with the "here after".
Got 16 days .. Got the Rosary, and the U-joint chamber ..
Got 16 days, and still have the ring on this fella's middle member...
I'm just saying ..
~SB~
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thanks D&D
Too many times I have sat here and bitched about what has wronged me. However there are a couple of friends that have stood by me. While all others fled, they stood solid, and for that I will be eternally grateful. I mean how many people do you have in your life that will support you no matter what? Honestly, where I sit, there could be an end to me at any moment. I could be locked up again at an bothersome clerk's whim. Yet they still carry on. So here's to you Dave and Dani .. you've done for me what no one else was willing to do. I hope I never let you down. I'll try, but I am only human. Sometimes I think that it's not enough,.. but I try anyways, because of people like you!
Thank You
Thank You
Holy ????
I put up a post a week ago. I stated that I was drawing a line in the sand....
Here's the thing about drawing a line. You force people to say "fuck you" to you. This is never a good idea. To do that, will straight out, put a brick wall in front of you on the freeway, at 75 MPH. You'll be forced to deal with the fact that no one lives in black and white as you do. There's so many shades of grey, and bottom line is, not everyone is a "Stand Up Mother Fucker" like you learned in the joint. Many people don't like to live outside their comfort zone. This is something I should have recognized before I made the ultimatum. I was wrong for that .. I guess... I think.
Here's the thing. I was taught that if you stand for nothing then you'll fall for anything. This may have been a bad lesson to learn, to prepare me for the modern age. These old values are not only obsolete, but are dangerous to live by. A very close friend of mine recently told me that I was too rigid. That I was unable to mix with different social classes. This took me by surprise. Especially since, I had not only introduced this person to different genres, but for years I had been the spark in many of his/her barn fires. However, I had to take this into consideration, not only because I am on a spiritual quest to find answers, but because I truly value this persons friendship. To back up this argument, I found that when I drew my line, only those that were not affiliated with the situation, took a stand. So maybe I am too rigid. ... or am I?
Here's another thing about taking a stand. It makes you accountable. But it allows you to hold those among you accountable. This has pro's and con's. The con's are, that you are easily subjected to judgement, and scrutiny. You constantly have to keep backing up your word with actions, and everyone takes notice. Especially when you fall flat on your face! ... You'll be forced into a role of leadership, and you'll be responsible for the actions of all those that follow you. Many of those, weaker than you are, will be looking for your failures, to give them ammunition to use against you. And ammunition, you will inevitably provide. There is no avoiding this, for it is impossible for anyone to be perfect at all times. ( Don't get me started on this ... I can even point out scripture where Jesus himself allowed himself to be in a position of scrutiny.)
Now don't get me wrong. There are many pro's to being a "Stand Up Mother FU@$#R" You're allowed to walk with your head up, knowing that you have stood up against popular belief, for something you actually believe in. You're allowed a sense of arrogance, and you can always justify it with your actions, which can never be challenged because most will cower rather than act. There is a lot to be said for that. You do gain the respect of many for that. If for no other reason, but because they are afraid to act themselves. Yes you'll gain enemy's,... however it's much more clear who they are, and you'll see them coming from much farther distances. When you stand up and say "THIS IS BULLSHIT" not only do you get attention, ( that part I don't much care for, contrary to popular belief) but you feel good about actually believing in something. You can look at yourself in the mirror and say. " I was right for that decision, if for no other. It is for that feeling, that I continue on my " less than popular" trail.
I retract my original ultimatum, but I do not apologize. I wanted to know who my friends are, and I believe I did. I learned that I do have friends. Maybe not as dedicated to me as I am to them, but I learned that I do have friends. For that I am very thankful. Thank you, to all my friends. However, I am one who stands for beliefs that have not been all that long forgotten. I challenge each and everyone of you that reads this to stand up for your beliefs. To expect those that you love to stand up for those beliefs too. Otherwise what really is the point. A life of mediocrity is really no life at all.
Now I am gonna end this ranting with something even more unpopular,but riddle me this before you judge.... Why is it so easy for us to accept others beliefs? Why is it that the stranger those beliefs are the more we embrace them,... at least in my circles? How do these beliefs have any more validity than those that have been around for thousands of years? Are they any less valid? God knows that I am not the example, by any means, of what a Christian should be, but I question this new trend to immediately disregard what a Christian says. Yes I'll agree, there is certainly too much judgment among that circle, but does that justify a complete disregard to what a man 2 thousand years ago said? Because if it does, that is amazing to me ... or very American. I guess it should be expected .. we, a country of about 200 years old, feel that it is our responsibility to solve the problems in the rest of the world that began over 3 thousand years ago. And they call me arrogant!
No Matter ... This was something significant to me .. Take it as you will...
Revelations 3:14-22
14 “And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: ‘The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God's creation.
15 “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. 17 For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. 19 Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. 20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. 21 The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”
WOW!!!
wow! I am stupefied with myself right now... Yet, in some weird way, it makes sense.
I'm just Saying
~SB~
Here's the thing about drawing a line. You force people to say "fuck you" to you. This is never a good idea. To do that, will straight out, put a brick wall in front of you on the freeway, at 75 MPH. You'll be forced to deal with the fact that no one lives in black and white as you do. There's so many shades of grey, and bottom line is, not everyone is a "Stand Up Mother Fucker" like you learned in the joint. Many people don't like to live outside their comfort zone. This is something I should have recognized before I made the ultimatum. I was wrong for that .. I guess... I think.
Here's the thing. I was taught that if you stand for nothing then you'll fall for anything. This may have been a bad lesson to learn, to prepare me for the modern age. These old values are not only obsolete, but are dangerous to live by. A very close friend of mine recently told me that I was too rigid. That I was unable to mix with different social classes. This took me by surprise. Especially since, I had not only introduced this person to different genres, but for years I had been the spark in many of his/her barn fires. However, I had to take this into consideration, not only because I am on a spiritual quest to find answers, but because I truly value this persons friendship. To back up this argument, I found that when I drew my line, only those that were not affiliated with the situation, took a stand. So maybe I am too rigid. ... or am I?
Here's another thing about taking a stand. It makes you accountable. But it allows you to hold those among you accountable. This has pro's and con's. The con's are, that you are easily subjected to judgement, and scrutiny. You constantly have to keep backing up your word with actions, and everyone takes notice. Especially when you fall flat on your face! ... You'll be forced into a role of leadership, and you'll be responsible for the actions of all those that follow you. Many of those, weaker than you are, will be looking for your failures, to give them ammunition to use against you. And ammunition, you will inevitably provide. There is no avoiding this, for it is impossible for anyone to be perfect at all times. ( Don't get me started on this ... I can even point out scripture where Jesus himself allowed himself to be in a position of scrutiny.)
Now don't get me wrong. There are many pro's to being a "Stand Up Mother FU@$#R" You're allowed to walk with your head up, knowing that you have stood up against popular belief, for something you actually believe in. You're allowed a sense of arrogance, and you can always justify it with your actions, which can never be challenged because most will cower rather than act. There is a lot to be said for that. You do gain the respect of many for that. If for no other reason, but because they are afraid to act themselves. Yes you'll gain enemy's,... however it's much more clear who they are, and you'll see them coming from much farther distances. When you stand up and say "THIS IS BULLSHIT" not only do you get attention, ( that part I don't much care for, contrary to popular belief) but you feel good about actually believing in something. You can look at yourself in the mirror and say. " I was right for that decision, if for no other. It is for that feeling, that I continue on my " less than popular" trail.
I retract my original ultimatum, but I do not apologize. I wanted to know who my friends are, and I believe I did. I learned that I do have friends. Maybe not as dedicated to me as I am to them, but I learned that I do have friends. For that I am very thankful. Thank you, to all my friends. However, I am one who stands for beliefs that have not been all that long forgotten. I challenge each and everyone of you that reads this to stand up for your beliefs. To expect those that you love to stand up for those beliefs too. Otherwise what really is the point. A life of mediocrity is really no life at all.
Now I am gonna end this ranting with something even more unpopular,but riddle me this before you judge.... Why is it so easy for us to accept others beliefs? Why is it that the stranger those beliefs are the more we embrace them,... at least in my circles? How do these beliefs have any more validity than those that have been around for thousands of years? Are they any less valid? God knows that I am not the example, by any means, of what a Christian should be, but I question this new trend to immediately disregard what a Christian says. Yes I'll agree, there is certainly too much judgment among that circle, but does that justify a complete disregard to what a man 2 thousand years ago said? Because if it does, that is amazing to me ... or very American. I guess it should be expected .. we, a country of about 200 years old, feel that it is our responsibility to solve the problems in the rest of the world that began over 3 thousand years ago. And they call me arrogant!
No Matter ... This was something significant to me .. Take it as you will...
Revelations 3:14-22
14 “And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: ‘The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God's creation.
15 “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! 16 So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. 17 For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. 19 Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. 20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. 21 The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”
WOW!!!
wow! I am stupefied with myself right now... Yet, in some weird way, it makes sense.
I'm just Saying
~SB~
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Huh?
I am confused. What does commitment, loyalty, friendship, marriage mean in this new millennium? Are these even attributes in todays American society? Maybe I am just too old school, but I still believe in these institutions. When you gain my commitment, you've earned yourself a true companion. Is is wrong for me to expect the same of others? Am I not also entitled to happiness? Does my happiness have to come from the pain of others. In todays America, do I have to "catch ya slipping " to find happiness? Do I have to constantly watch over my shoulder to make sure that people I am supposed to trust and depend on aren't waiting to stab me in the back? How is that really happiness? Call me weird, I don't believe that it is right to utterly destroy someone you have pledged yourself to so that you can have a moment of happiness. Because that's all it is. A moment. A life is built up of a series of moments. I believe that it is our responsibility to build these moments with the best of intentions. Loyalty, and commitment to a bigger picture is the glue that holds this life of moments together. If that is true, and I believe it is, then that would mean that deceit and betrayal are the elements that will destroy a great, wonderful, and happy life or lives.
In today's "Modern American Society", have we gotten so selfish, with our "bling" and our narcissistic behavior, that we have lost even the smallest bit of compassion for what is right? Are we so blinded by our greed, and "coming up" that we have forgotten the value of a true friend?
"Don't walk in front of me, I might not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I might not lead.
Walk beside me, and be my friend"
I'm just saying
~SB~
In today's "Modern American Society", have we gotten so selfish, with our "bling" and our narcissistic behavior, that we have lost even the smallest bit of compassion for what is right? Are we so blinded by our greed, and "coming up" that we have forgotten the value of a true friend?
"Don't walk in front of me, I might not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I might not lead.
Walk beside me, and be my friend"
I'm just saying
~SB~
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
What The F@#$
"What the FUCK did you do?!!!"
A question asked by those we have betrayed, screwed over, destroyed, or all of the above.
"What the Fuck are you gonna do now?!!!"
A question for those of us that still have any morality to ask ourselves, when we have betrayed, screwed over, or destroyed someone that loved us.
"What the Fuck were you thinking?!!!"
The question that our loved ones ask us when they haven't learned that they should give up on us.
A question asked by those we have betrayed, screwed over, destroyed, or all of the above.
"What the Fuck are you gonna do now?!!!"
A question for those of us that still have any morality to ask ourselves, when we have betrayed, screwed over, or destroyed someone that loved us.
"What the Fuck were you thinking?!!!"
The question that our loved ones ask us when they haven't learned that they should give up on us.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tipping Your Hat To Those That Seem To Hate You
This last year has been one of the hard ones. I've had a few, so I should be used to it by now. After all, this isn't my first rodeo. Yet,... still it burns. I hurt so much at times that I sometimes have to remember how to breathe... Even then I find myself struggling to take that breath.
I have a very dear friend by the name of Mitch. We are also each others nemesis, or so we pretend. What I think I love and hate most about Mitch is his ability to make me feel like a stupid, ignorant, and innocent retard. Even though he knows I have landed myself, several times, locked up behind bars, he still makes me feel naive. ( however I know that no one really MAKES any one feel anything, but you get my point ) The thing about felling innocent is that it is waisted on the innocence.
Mitch and I both have what I like to call the "Tough Guy" virus. So while we both push out this persona of hatred and venom towards each other, there is a very dear spot reserved for each of us in each others heart. Now I don't mean this in any sort of a gay way (eyes Marcos ) but the two of us have shared moments of truth and honesty that neither of us will ever admit to. I mean it would ruin both of our reps! It's those very few moments, that have left me with a deep respect for my friend Mitch. I honestly believe that he feels the same way, deep down inside ... where it counts. If I was to die right now, I'm sure that he would be jumping on a freight train to make it to my funeral. There are a few others I can say that about. Very few. In fact I doubt if my own wife would show up, or my mother, or my longest friend, but I believe that Mitch would be there.
So if you ever see me take a jab at Mitch, just know that it is because that is the way we are.
( tips his hat towards his nemesis)
For those of you whom have had to deal with my rantings. I apologize. I wish there was something that I could tell ya. I can't even say that I won't do it again. I swear to god, I sometimes don't even know myself. This is something that I am finding way harder to deal with then I ever thought it would be. Maybe that is because I never thought I would be here again. Not after Schmoe. After her, all thoughts of this sort of dismay were washed from my mind. To be thrown back into it, well the shock is overwhelming. The only thing I can offer is my apologies, and understanding if ya choose to leave. "Everyone leaves at some point, so why wouldn't you."
I will, someday, get through this, and to those of you that make it through this with me, I offer my thanks in advance. You obviously see something in me I no longer see in myself. I hope you're right. I hope to one day make it up to all of you. Especially you Dave and Dani, whom have stood beside me when all others had turned their heads.
With that, I feel it is time to bid ya ya a good night. I'll get back to writing the funny shit I used to write back when I wrote for ASAAT. Till then, I hope ya'll can give me the leeway to flounder a bit.
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
I have a very dear friend by the name of Mitch. We are also each others nemesis, or so we pretend. What I think I love and hate most about Mitch is his ability to make me feel like a stupid, ignorant, and innocent retard. Even though he knows I have landed myself, several times, locked up behind bars, he still makes me feel naive. ( however I know that no one really MAKES any one feel anything, but you get my point ) The thing about felling innocent is that it is waisted on the innocence.
Mitch and I both have what I like to call the "Tough Guy" virus. So while we both push out this persona of hatred and venom towards each other, there is a very dear spot reserved for each of us in each others heart. Now I don't mean this in any sort of a gay way (eyes Marcos ) but the two of us have shared moments of truth and honesty that neither of us will ever admit to. I mean it would ruin both of our reps! It's those very few moments, that have left me with a deep respect for my friend Mitch. I honestly believe that he feels the same way, deep down inside ... where it counts. If I was to die right now, I'm sure that he would be jumping on a freight train to make it to my funeral. There are a few others I can say that about. Very few. In fact I doubt if my own wife would show up, or my mother, or my longest friend, but I believe that Mitch would be there.
So if you ever see me take a jab at Mitch, just know that it is because that is the way we are.
( tips his hat towards his nemesis)
For those of you whom have had to deal with my rantings. I apologize. I wish there was something that I could tell ya. I can't even say that I won't do it again. I swear to god, I sometimes don't even know myself. This is something that I am finding way harder to deal with then I ever thought it would be. Maybe that is because I never thought I would be here again. Not after Schmoe. After her, all thoughts of this sort of dismay were washed from my mind. To be thrown back into it, well the shock is overwhelming. The only thing I can offer is my apologies, and understanding if ya choose to leave. "Everyone leaves at some point, so why wouldn't you."
I will, someday, get through this, and to those of you that make it through this with me, I offer my thanks in advance. You obviously see something in me I no longer see in myself. I hope you're right. I hope to one day make it up to all of you. Especially you Dave and Dani, whom have stood beside me when all others had turned their heads.
With that, I feel it is time to bid ya ya a good night. I'll get back to writing the funny shit I used to write back when I wrote for ASAAT. Till then, I hope ya'll can give me the leeway to flounder a bit.
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
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