This last year has been one of the hard ones. I've had a few, so I should be used to it by now. After all, this isn't my first rodeo. Yet,... still it burns. I hurt so much at times that I sometimes have to remember how to breathe... Even then I find myself struggling to take that breath.
I have a very dear friend by the name of Mitch. We are also each others nemesis, or so we pretend. What I think I love and hate most about Mitch is his ability to make me feel like a stupid, ignorant, and innocent retard. Even though he knows I have landed myself, several times, locked up behind bars, he still makes me feel naive. ( however I know that no one really MAKES any one feel anything, but you get my point ) The thing about felling innocent is that it is waisted on the innocence.
Mitch and I both have what I like to call the "Tough Guy" virus. So while we both push out this persona of hatred and venom towards each other, there is a very dear spot reserved for each of us in each others heart. Now I don't mean this in any sort of a gay way (eyes Marcos ) but the two of us have shared moments of truth and honesty that neither of us will ever admit to. I mean it would ruin both of our reps! It's those very few moments, that have left me with a deep respect for my friend Mitch. I honestly believe that he feels the same way, deep down inside ... where it counts. If I was to die right now, I'm sure that he would be jumping on a freight train to make it to my funeral. There are a few others I can say that about. Very few. In fact I doubt if my own wife would show up, or my mother, or my longest friend, but I believe that Mitch would be there.
So if you ever see me take a jab at Mitch, just know that it is because that is the way we are.
( tips his hat towards his nemesis)
For those of you whom have had to deal with my rantings. I apologize. I wish there was something that I could tell ya. I can't even say that I won't do it again. I swear to god, I sometimes don't even know myself. This is something that I am finding way harder to deal with then I ever thought it would be. Maybe that is because I never thought I would be here again. Not after Schmoe. After her, all thoughts of this sort of dismay were washed from my mind. To be thrown back into it, well the shock is overwhelming. The only thing I can offer is my apologies, and understanding if ya choose to leave. "Everyone leaves at some point, so why wouldn't you."
I will, someday, get through this, and to those of you that make it through this with me, I offer my thanks in advance. You obviously see something in me I no longer see in myself. I hope you're right. I hope to one day make it up to all of you. Especially you Dave and Dani, whom have stood beside me when all others had turned their heads.
With that, I feel it is time to bid ya ya a good night. I'll get back to writing the funny shit I used to write back when I wrote for ASAAT. Till then, I hope ya'll can give me the leeway to flounder a bit.
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
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