Get Over It!

   There are many times in my life that I come to grips with the reality of me, and all that "that" entails. I'm difficult and I contradict myself at times. I know this. I'm not as stupid as many would choose to believe. However there is a method to my own personal mayhem. I am not a vicious person. I am not a greedy person. I'm not selfish by any means, if fact... it could very well may mean my undoing to be as generous as I am.

   However there are so many mistakes on my part. I constantly feel guilty about them. It could be argued that it is my guilt that allows me to continue with my recklessness. Of course I can never let on to this insecurity, but it is there, none the less. To let on to this, would mean my undoing. If I were to do so, it would allow too many gaps in my armor. My so called friends / enemies would have a field day.

   So then how is one to ever get to the truth?

   I realize that my generosity is so overshadowed by my current poverty, that it is impossible for many to see it. I also realize that certain indiscretions and bad choices of lately on my part make it even more difficult to see the inner glow that is mine. These poor choices have provided an amalgam of ammunition for those who choose to use it against me. However, does that make those good qualities of mine any less real? I challenge you to to think about this. Have we not all been at a point of weakness? Would you appreciate the same scrutiny that you are now showing me? At that vulnerable point in your life that allows you to relate, would you appreciate such condemnations?? If so, then by all means, continue to make your judments..." he without sin,..throw the first stone".

   Several of my "friends" live a life dedicated to judgement and scrutiny, but I feel that your "higher level of morality" has actually left you with a general attitude of discontent. That you will only be impressed with those who have accomplished what you have not.Yet condemn them for accomplishing it by saying how they have loss contact with that which made them who they are. Therefore, making it impossible to ever get your approval, or blessing. Anyone close to you, that may be trying to overcome their own personal obstacles, are now regarded as nothing more than a seagull trying to be a hawk. To that I have only this to say this... Call me Jonathan.

   I will continue to try and befriend that bald headed freak that lives by a double standard sword. I will continue to call the love of my life, my "wife". I will continue to put forth every effort to prove them wrong. I will continue to pursue success. I will do this for them, but ultimately for myself. Because it is through their scrutiny that I will accomplish what makes them gnash their teeth. Ultimately this is for my own good. Their disapproval of my  reality is exactly what I need to accomplish my goal,.. which is to eventually get their submission. To finally say..." You have done it" Only then will I reach my utmost goal.... To get to a point when their approval no longer is significant to me... At that point, they no longer matter, which may explain why they hope, so much, for my failure.

   Recently I have been accused of caring more about my image than my own happiness. This is a ridiculous attempt to justify the naysayers and their actions. I AM COOL!  But not because I try to be, but because I no longer want to be "cool". I  have found my style. I may be different, but I am me. I have come into my own. I have discovered myself. I recognize my weaknesses, and my strengths...  and I actually like myself.
 
    I was recently thrown into a situation that forced me to find strength in myself. It is in my opinion that everyone should have to face their own demons, and overcome them. Only then, will you ever be able to accomplish a true analyses of one's self. I encourage you to truly judge yourself before ever attempting to judge me.

   So here comes the overview. I am not perfect. I long for friendships that don't long for me. I have done stupid shit. I am an ex con. I could be perceived as a person of poor quality.... However, I have a lot of talent. I have a lot of loyalty. I am capable of many great things. I am a great artist. I will one day be successful. I will overcome my bad reputation. I am a good friend. I am a good person.

   So judge me, you computer tech. Judge me, you comic theater geek. Judge me, you nymphomaniac hypocrite. Judge me, you hateful cook. Judge me, you unloyal lover. Judge me, you perfect friend....You have all touched me in a truly joyfull, and truly painfull ways.... All in all it will end up the same..... I will never answer to you. Yes I may have to answer to someone, but not you! So get over it.

Don't follow me,
I may not lead...
Don't lead,
I may not follow...
Walk beside me,...
      and be my friend.
(Author Unknown)

Shadow Boxin'

   I never thought we would end up here (left, left, upper cut, right hook). You have no defense (jab, jab, illegal elbow).  You're weak, and pathetic (right cross, gut shot). You're in a corner (upper cut, left, right, hook). Why the hell did you ever get me in this ring anyways? (chin shot, head butt, over under, KO punch!) You're OUT! I Lose.