The Has Been That Never Was

   Lately I have been having trouble finding joy. I seem to be angry all of the time, and I'm really kind of sick of it. I don't want to be one of those guys that wallows in his own misery, but I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. Everything just seems so fucked up. I just keep receiving blow after blow, and it's been going on now for the last 4 1/2 years. Then end is always just beyond my reach. Tricking me into believing that this is almost over, but I never seem to reach that horizon.

    Between the car accident, losing my wife, going to prison, dealing with parole/probation, loosing all contact with my son; watching the country go to hell; seeing the abuse/corruption in our justice system first hand; seeing the battle between the sex's reach new records of hypocrisy; watching our society cave into corporate/government propaganda and fear. Not to mention the loneliness I feel creeping up on me more and more with each new day.

   Am I losing my "touch," my "swagger?" I keep telling myself, "just a little bit longer. Soon you'll get your settlement, and then you can get your teeth fixed, your knee fixed... maybe do something about being so deaf. Lose some weight, buy a car and new clothes.... then people will like you again. Then you can be happy again; find a good girl that want's to be with you, and relax. Not have to be so alone, stuck in this God damn apartment.  Just hang on for a bit longer." However, I'm starting to believe that it's all a load of crap.

   What if I've been this way for so long, that I'm stuck in this angry, fat, toothless, broke as fuck body, and will never escape from this mire I'm swimming in? What if my roommate is right, and you don't need money to find a good girl;... then what's my excuse? Maybe I've turned into a horrible person; bitter and full of nothing but self loathing? Doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life.

   Most of my 30's were spent waiting for something to be over, and now that it's almost over, I'm damn near 40 and wonder just how marketable I am. I missed out on so much, and am beginning to realize that I'll never get that time back. Why is my life such a vicious cycle? I missed out on my childhood due to abuse and neglect, and now I miss out on the prime period of adulthood due to more abuse and negligence.

 There's not much left for me. There's girls that are too young, or immature to offer me any real substance. There's bitter women that are all used up, and have nothing worth wild left to offer. There's entitled women who want spineless meal tickets, with a boy toy on the side here and there. The good ones are all taken. At least that's the way it seems.
 
   Of course thinking about this only makes me regret the time I waisted on my ex even more. Or think about the mistakes I made here, or there. Regret letting my friend, whom won't even talk to me anymore, convince me into moving back to the west coast in the first place. I was living good in MPLS. Or re-live that horrible accident over and over again in my mind. Regret, regret regret. Which leads to me thinking about every mistake I've ever made over the last decade. How I burned this friend, or should have made that choice, or how I ruined that relationship. Over and over again, these horrors haunt me. Never allowing me more than a brief moment of joy here and there. That's all that seems left for me. And I doubt that it's enough.

   I need a friend. A good friend. Someone that I want to be friends with. Someone that wants to be friends with me. Someone I admire and look up to. Someone who see's something great in me, and is willing to help me see it in myself. Someone that admires me, my thoughts, my views, standards, and abilities. But how do you get someone to like you, be loyal to you, love you, when you can hardly stand yourself? When you are beginning to believe all of the things the courts, PO's, cops, jailers, media, feminists, ministers, lawyers, nay-sayers, ex's, ect. are saying about you?

   I have spent many years alone. Usually I find a way to embrace my solitude. To find strength in it. Eventually, I become stronger, confident, and learn to love myself even more. This time seems to be different though. Or maybe, I have spent too much time alone this time. Maybe. I am losing myself, and becoming a bitter old man. Angry at the world for missed opportunities and injustices never realized.

   Years ago, I wrote a song about an old friend called "The Has Been That Never Was." Maybe that is what I've become.

Just Saying

Guilty

I spend too much time thinking about my mistakes. I suppose it comes from my religious background, or maybe the run-in's I've had with the law... Whatever it is, I spend a lot of time in regret. 

I know, I know,... people like me are not supposed to have "No Regrets" yet they exist. There are people out there that hate me... Some of them I have no control over, like certain government agencies, women's movements, minority rights activists, both conservative and liberal groups... I suppose that there's a significant amount of guilt built from how I judge others... 

We all judge, I judge not on race, political influence, social status, sex, or sexual preference... I judge on your statue of human morality. 

I feel we're all equal... Equal, meaning that no one is better than anyone else based solely on what they are, who they believe in, or who they fuck, but what we do as human entities. 

Then there are personal relationships. These memories have a bigger influence on me, because these are judgments made upon me from people that I once'd loved. I hear all of the time how we need to move past our prior engagements, and embrase our own personel happiness. How can I do that though? To do that would mean letting go of some significant relations, and what they stood for. 

I've lost a wife, and a son to these sort of relations... so how do I move on. 

There's a conflict in our social standing... We pretend that we stand for things like marriage, and parenthood, but all too often we put those atributes aside for things like personal gain, happiness or social success....

Yes I judge myself... constantly, and crave for there to be someone out there to say that I am living a righteous life, but if I expect society to be honest, then I must be honest with myself...

I have failed,.. badly... Yet I see no way to work around it.I hate hypocrisy, yet it surrounds just about every aspect of human life, and I see it most predominately in myself. 

So then, logic dictates that I must hate myself. I could turn away from this hypocrisy, but then that would only lead to more self-loathing. 

There is no beneficial answer to this conundrum, because the answer would mean our own demise... so we live on,.. and for some of us, that means regrets. 

I'm just saying

Father? Nah! Just Another Misogynistic Pig

Is it just me, or are men starting to turn into sperm banks, support checks, and nothing more? We take their seed, we birth a child then they belong to us forever. We've made the laws say so. If you dont, I'll take your check, then your license, then I'll lock you up. That is perfect cus then you'll never have to see your child, and when you get out you'll have a giant bill. Meanwhile your child will have full medical, as will I, and we'll get food as well. Shit I should just move to Cali and live in my car,.. then you'll have to pay for my apartment too. Oh you're jumping through the hoops, oh, well, in that case, I've got plans with Roger this weekend. Sorry bud. Oh hey, you're calling to say hi, yeah, your son's not here... at his grandma's. WAIT! You want to see your child, OK... it's gonna cost 3 times more than you're already paying. What?! I'm just a helpless single mother,.. I'm entitled. Go to hell you Dead Beat Dad!

Higher School's Past

Yeah... So...
Who Knew?

If there was someone who could tell me what was to be, I'd probably punch them right in the mouth. Cuz there was no way we would have ever ended up like this.

Seemed like yesterday when I was pulling you out of the muck... Seems like yesterday when I was living in that bar above. Seems like yesterday when I left to do my stint in jail. Seems like yesterday when you left with junior wood chuck.

You don't believe in God, you don't believe in Jesus, until his prophet makes your escape; and the past is now inconspicuous.

It amazes me how much of the past comes to haunt ya... only if there is a past that's worthy of your coming back. Who cares about the tinsel red of that BMW convertible? Who care's about your black MR2? What will be your message when the towel is thrown, and you're through? When your cheers echo for the last time, and your plaid skirt no longer flails?When you'r Del Taco dreams fail and that ship sets to sail?

When all we see is what is now, we find it difficult to see what there is to come.

Commerce is only capable of so much of a load. Fathers can't always see what it is, that or when, failures may sum.

Wilcox, Cox, Jennifer, Amanda, McCullen, or Lil' M, or Summer's dawn, Victoria, or Disclumpin, what does it matter, One leg at a time; this leg, this sock,... Holm folk only remember what is their will, and the bearing down of those rocks.Their will,... their rocks! What justice is meant for these folks... these Mic's, these Scotts!?

Da DadaDadadaa....dadaa,.dadaa dadaaaa ..aaaa.aaa..aaaaaaaa

Stupid fucking bagbipes... So fucking loud, so fucking naked!

It's been several years now, and yet I cling on to a past that was as fragile as a moment. A moment only preserved in a memory of one that should have long ago let disperse.

So the anger of higher schools past, still the memory of you taints.

Wonder about the ending of these paints.

All Rung Out...With bad Tattoo's

I think I may be done. Not done in the way that ya'll need to call an ambulance and have me put on a 24 hour watch. But done as in, I think I may have reached my limit.

Look... It's been close to 2 years now, and I still have yet to recover from the last blow. I still hurt, I sill doubt myself, I still ache over it all. I'm still just basically fucked up. (Side note: All you mother fuckers that were there, and/or participated in this whole debacle, listen up....Here's from one of the collateral damaged; a result of your debauchery,.. from which this one is not getting back up) I just have lost the will. I just don't see the point. (again... not suicidal, so relax) I just can't find a reason to continue. A reason to try. There's no point in me trying to find a partner anymore. Shit I'm damn near 40. If it was to happen, it would have happened by now, and the last chance I had, got wasted away by a lot of bad luck and even badder  friends. (badder... didn't think I'd ever be able to justify that word) Shit I still have to deal with the asshole who won out,.. rubbing my face in it every chance he can get. Fuck! I'm still wearing the clothing of the wolves that infiltrated my most personal of depths.

Some of us were just meant to die alone. There comes a time in your life when you just have to accept that which you can not change. I have had some really great loves in my life. 3 to be exact, and I believe that a man can't ask for more. For me, it wasn't written in the cards for me to actually keep any of them. Guess the wind blows the way it chooses and there aint a damn thing one can do about it

I've had a good run. I've seen things that people who may live 4 times longer, never get to see. I've built stories that have pushed themselves well beyond the point of believabilty. I've earned every story tattooed on my body. So don't feel sorry for me. I made my bed, and I plan on sleeping in it.

I was foolish to believe that I would end up settling down with someone to share these life experiences with. Maybe I allowed myself to wish for a little more than I really knew I would ever achieve. But I chose this life. I chose it long ago. In the foothills of some town not quite forgotten by me, and definitely not by itself,... Long ago, on a starry night in my 18th year. Sitting on the hood of my old pickup, looking out on the lights of an unsubstantial city. Listening to a boy/man, that I would one day outgrow; a boy/man that would abandon me in a city of the most fierce cold,.. tell me a story that I would never forget,.. and be doomed,  from that point on, to live. That each of those lights out there represented a family... A man who decided to settle down and have a family... A man that decided that the road was not for him... That finding someone to grow roots with was the means to happiness... I listen to my friend tell me " Me and you,... We're not meant for that sorta life. We'll always search for more. Our lives will never be summed up by a light lost in a multitude of some suburban night."

So here I am... Some 25 odd years later, with a heart smashed all to shit, a pocket full of stories, and an empty room with nothing but this keyboard to keep me company. While I ache over what I've lost, there is still a part of me that is proud to know that at least I am not some porch light lost amongst a plethora of a million other lights. I'm alone, yet I knew that this was where my path would lead me. I'm not some failure that has no future. In fact, in many ways, my future still has more brightness coming that most would only dream of. It's just a brilliance that I have to endure alone. Something that I would do better by excepting sooner, rather than later.

I suppose the point is, pretty much the same as when I started the rant, I just need to learn to except the things in life that I have no means to change. Maybe then I can once again find happiness in my solitude.

I'm just saying...

Just Who Do You Think You Are?

I find that many confuse empathy with sympathy. You'll find that many of us "liberals" don't want your sympathy. I'd like to think that we, as a country, would take our "Melting Pot" proclamations, and apply it to our immediate social environments. My value systems are different than yours. Just as yours are different than your neighbors. Do you have enough room in your heart to allow for these differences? Are you capable of identifying these differences, and while not always agreeing with them, EMPATHIZING with those who's character is not exactly the way you would choose it to be? Well... are you?

What Was That?

   I still hang out with the worse of the worse.

   I have changed, but you'd never know by my company. I have lunch with those who have murdered... I toast with those that have crippled. I drink with those that you work so hard to imprison. Yes I have changed, but not the way you were thinking...

You might think that I am not talking about you...but I am.... You let me go to prison. You let me evolve in this manner. You supported my deprivation. You did it with,.. or without acting. This would never had happened if you had done something to stop it...

So here I am now... One who only finds reality in what I can actually see is real. Say what you want about us ex-cons... at least we're real. We may not, in fact often aren't, right... but we're real. We react to real situations. We hold you accountable to those sins that you would rather not be accountable for. We do what you know should be done, but would rather sweep under the rug.

Many talk about moral objectives and what that entails... many talk about abuse and negligence... Many talk about God and what he expects... Many talk about actually standing up for something... Many talk... and that's all they ever do... Guess what.. Convicts don't talk!

We're what you can never be. We're the warriors that you're too chicken shit to be. Yes there are a lot of us that are completely fucked up, but without those fucked up individuals, how would you be able to disregard us all as a whole? It makes for a convenient excuse.

Maybe we have forgotten the benefit of having differences between each other? Maybe we have been so diluted by others arguments, that we have forgotten that there was a reason for an opposition in the first place? Maybe we let that little "gnat" of a voice, decide our current future. Maybe we were never meant to be this diplomatic...maybe there should be lines... boundaries? Maybe,,, Just maybe... There are roles that need to be filled... Maybe there is an equality that can only be achieved by a dividence of responsibilities...roles even.

I challenge you "M"... What good has your feminism accomplished? Not feminism as the media chooses to portray it, but the one that you preach so adamantly about. What more have you accomplished? Other than a definite divide? More men imprisoned,... more war,where more men die,.... more children men are being blamed for abandoning. More spending that men are responsible for paying? What exactly were you looking to fix....How have you accomplished that goal....and as a man, I'm asking...How have you made my life better... or does that matter?

it's everywhere.... The Divide..

I can't get a job
I can't get licensed
I can't graduate
I can't buy a home
I can't drive a car
I can't live a life....

...Till Then I ask you.

So you have won... you now have control of me...what are you going to do with it?
About Face! What were we just talking about?
Was that all it took to get you to forget the last subject?
Or are you on some sort of recon mission to destroy all of this...
... debauchery?

What was I just talking about?... Do you even remember?

stay stuck on the thoughts of a majority that gets all the benefits and respect of a minority,...
and how they're entitled to win!

What was I talking about?

~SB~

Get Over It!

   There are many times in my life that I come to grips with the reality of me, and all that "that" entails. I'm difficult and I contradict myself at times. I know this. I'm not as stupid as many would choose to believe. However there is a method to my own personal mayhem. I am not a vicious person. I am not a greedy person. I'm not selfish by any means, if fact... it could very well may mean my undoing to be as generous as I am.

   However there are so many mistakes on my part. I constantly feel guilty about them. It could be argued that it is my guilt that allows me to continue with my recklessness. Of course I can never let on to this insecurity, but it is there, none the less. To let on to this, would mean my undoing. If I were to do so, it would allow too many gaps in my armor. My so called friends / enemies would have a field day.

   So then how is one to ever get to the truth?

   I realize that my generosity is so overshadowed by my current poverty, that it is impossible for many to see it. I also realize that certain indiscretions and bad choices of lately on my part make it even more difficult to see the inner glow that is mine. These poor choices have provided an amalgam of ammunition for those who choose to use it against me. However, does that make those good qualities of mine any less real? I challenge you to to think about this. Have we not all been at a point of weakness? Would you appreciate the same scrutiny that you are now showing me? At that vulnerable point in your life that allows you to relate, would you appreciate such condemnations?? If so, then by all means, continue to make your judments..." he without sin,..throw the first stone".

   Several of my "friends" live a life dedicated to judgement and scrutiny, but I feel that your "higher level of morality" has actually left you with a general attitude of discontent. That you will only be impressed with those who have accomplished what you have not.Yet condemn them for accomplishing it by saying how they have loss contact with that which made them who they are. Therefore, making it impossible to ever get your approval, or blessing. Anyone close to you, that may be trying to overcome their own personal obstacles, are now regarded as nothing more than a seagull trying to be a hawk. To that I have only this to say this... Call me Jonathan.

   I will continue to try and befriend that bald headed freak that lives by a double standard sword. I will continue to call the love of my life, my "wife". I will continue to put forth every effort to prove them wrong. I will continue to pursue success. I will do this for them, but ultimately for myself. Because it is through their scrutiny that I will accomplish what makes them gnash their teeth. Ultimately this is for my own good. Their disapproval of my  reality is exactly what I need to accomplish my goal,.. which is to eventually get their submission. To finally say..." You have done it" Only then will I reach my utmost goal.... To get to a point when their approval no longer is significant to me... At that point, they no longer matter, which may explain why they hope, so much, for my failure.

   Recently I have been accused of caring more about my image than my own happiness. This is a ridiculous attempt to justify the naysayers and their actions. I AM COOL!  But not because I try to be, but because I no longer want to be "cool". I  have found my style. I may be different, but I am me. I have come into my own. I have discovered myself. I recognize my weaknesses, and my strengths...  and I actually like myself.
 
    I was recently thrown into a situation that forced me to find strength in myself. It is in my opinion that everyone should have to face their own demons, and overcome them. Only then, will you ever be able to accomplish a true analyses of one's self. I encourage you to truly judge yourself before ever attempting to judge me.

   So here comes the overview. I am not perfect. I long for friendships that don't long for me. I have done stupid shit. I am an ex con. I could be perceived as a person of poor quality.... However, I have a lot of talent. I have a lot of loyalty. I am capable of many great things. I am a great artist. I will one day be successful. I will overcome my bad reputation. I am a good friend. I am a good person.

   So judge me, you computer tech. Judge me, you comic theater geek. Judge me, you nymphomaniac hypocrite. Judge me, you hateful cook. Judge me, you unloyal lover. Judge me, you perfect friend....You have all touched me in a truly joyfull, and truly painfull ways.... All in all it will end up the same..... I will never answer to you. Yes I may have to answer to someone, but not you! So get over it.

Don't follow me,
I may not lead...
Don't lead,
I may not follow...
Walk beside me,...
      and be my friend.
(Author Unknown)

Shadow Boxin'

   I never thought we would end up here (left, left, upper cut, right hook). You have no defense (jab, jab, illegal elbow).  You're weak, and pathetic (right cross, gut shot). You're in a corner (upper cut, left, right, hook). Why the hell did you ever get me in this ring anyways? (chin shot, head butt, over under, KO punch!) You're OUT! I Lose.

2 Minute Warning

   I have decided that I need to write more often. In order to do this I will write for 2 minutes every time I get a hint that writing is an inclination of mine. This is my 2 minutes today.

    Henry was from a small town,.. way on the western border of Townsend Oklahoma. He was a simple man. Didn't need much. Started his day with 2 eggs, half slab of bacon, and 1 and a half cups of coffee at 5:45 am... every day. After that he would shave, floss, and put on his work clothes.
 
 First he had to milk Ginger, the over aged goat that would never stop eating anything she could find. Then he was free to tend to the pigs.Ginger was a difficult personality to deal with. Always awry, and always trifle. After all of the years Henry had been working with Ginger, he still, to this day, cannot find reason to mayhem to keep her on board. So every now and then he thinks of what it would be like if he just sold her to Johnny Crowton down the road.

   Maybe it was the regularity of it. Yeah... that's it. Something normal about dealing with the same  annoyance that makes Ginger, well,.. Ginger. It's that daily routine that makes Henry's world make sense. If everything was absolutely peaches, then something is definitively wrong. I mean corn don't grow sideways,.. do it?

   Anyhow, it made perfect sense to Henry. And "Sense is what Sense gives"

Telepathic Communication

   I had a horrific dream last night.I dreamed that one of my two worst fears came true.  This sucks. I have been dreaming about the same subject ever since the night I was locked up. It's very difficult because I always have to shake off those dark feelings just to get out of bed. Today is especially difficult.

   It was so real, that I wonder if it is true. The vividness of the dream was so sharp, that I felt as if it was actually happening. The indifference of me, and the disregard of my feelings. The act portraying complete innocence and ignorance to the pain caused. It was like complete reality.

   Needless to say, I think it completely sucked. I woke up so distraught, that it took me 3 more hours to make myself get up, and start my homework. I feel a little better now, but that nagging feeling that the biggest mistake made yet, has been stacked onto a huge pile of big mistakes, won't go away.

   Think I'm gonna grab some coffee. Shake this feeling off.

~SB~

My Words Of Wisdom

SickBoy's Law

• Push past your comfort level, because only then will you improve.
• Live for the now, but take responsibility for it.
• The beer is only half full when it's your last,... and that's a good thing.
• Art is everywhere, learn to love it.
• No one will care in a hundred years, unless you did it right... Or very,... very wrong.
• Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is forever.
• Fear only leads to regrets.
• Mistakes give you an opportunity for improvement.
• If you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.
• Fuck trying...Do!
• Give out a free smoke, but smack them if they ask for two.
• Take only that you are willing to give, but will be able to give back at some point.
• Fall on your face...but get the fuck up!
• Love, no matter how much it hurts, then love some more.
• Not only challenge authority, confront it.
• Always ask why.
• Always raise with a KK, AK, QJ, 5-8, or an AA. Question QQ, and always fold Q3, 7-2, and 8-3.
• Never submit unless you have respect for what you are submitting to,...and it respects you too.
• Fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
• Never fight for those who won't fight for themselves.
• "Do not lead me, I may not follow.... Do not follow, I may not lead.... Walk beside me and be my friend" (Unknown)

Just Saying

~SB~

Thanks, I'll Take It From Here

   I started my Typography class last night. I have Art Appreciation, and stupid Math coming up later this week. However, my Typography class should be pretty cool though. I'll be learning all about Fonts, Letters, Type, and how to manipulate them. I'll also be learning the program "In Design", which is a great thing. The teach said that if I know Typography, and Photography, then that's all I really need in this day and age to be a good graphic designer, but that I was ahead of the game, because I actually have artistic talent. Of course I felt inspired after receiving that compliment.

   Now I need to get the camera that my sister gave me fixed. It was slightly damaged through a recent mis-hap, but it shouldn't take much to have it fixed. I think it just needs to be adjusted. It's a great camera though, and I think I will be relying on it heavily to start my career. Between the help I've received from friends and family getting me the equipment I have, and me doing so well in my schooling, I am beginning to see that one day I will not be so broke all of the time.

   It's super frustrating right now, but this in just for now. I wont always be in this spot. Someday I will be able to look back at all those that dragged me down, or didn't ever think I was gonna be anything, and give them a giant F@#k You! Of course, by that time, I will have been so focused on my achievements, that I really won't care about what my nay-sayers are thinking. Which, that in itself will be an awesome thing.

   Then I will have to focus on my next goal...TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD... Buah ha ha ha aah aah ahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!! You'll have to forgive me, I splurged this morning and drank THREE cups of coffee!

I'm Just Saying
~SB~

Reporting In

   Not much to write about these days. Things are better in some ways, but along with the good ya gotta take the bad.

   School is going well. Lots of art, so I'm doing well there. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do fine on my finals, and that will mean a 4.0 g.p.a. I was actually working on my final project for my design class when I decided to write a little something. My friend Mia is letting me use her Wacom pad! Very exciting! I'm learning how to use that. It's basically a mouse in the shape of a pen. My hand / eye coordination is being put to the test. I know that once I get it down, it will help me immensely.

    I still haven't found work. It's depressing me a bit. It's difficult to find something I can do with this bum knee of mine. It'll be much better when I get a bit more schooling under my belt. Luckily, I have friends that have odd jobs for me to do here and there. It's not a lot, but it gets me by. It's stressful though, cause you never know where your next dollar is coming from or when. I guess it's all a part of being a student, right. Be broke now, so I can be less broke later.   ;D

   My roommate, Dani, is doing ok. She just got herself a new car. It's a 65 VW Bug, with a rag tag paint job, a blue and red racing strip going down the center of it accented with the number 53. Yup, you guessed it, it's the Herbie car!!! It needs a decent amount of work, but it's solid. The body is straight for the most part. Some minor  dings, and surface rust, but nothing major. The engine, and running gear are in really good shape. Much better than I expected. The seats are in good shape too. It needs the seals replaced around the doors, and in the fire wall by the drivers feet, along with carpet and paint, and it'll be good a nice car. A few other minor issues, but all in all, a good little Bug. I might find her a better one, and buy it, Then we'd trade, if she likes it. (that is if I can ever make any money) The 65 is nice, but I think she'll be happier with something a little newer. Like a late 60's or early 70's model. You know, the ones with retractable seat belts,head rests, a stereo, gauges, better airflow system,a few more bells and whistles that just make driving easier. I, however, prefer the simplicity of the older rigs. We'll see what happens.

   Right now, since she recently lost here job, we are being as frugal as possible. I'm pretty sure that she will find a new one relatively soon. She's already scheduling interviews. She doesn't have bothersome little annoyances like a felony, or a disability getting in her way. So I believe her time spent unemployed will be short lived. Wish I could say the same for myself.  It can be discouraging at times, but I know if I'm ever gonna get through this I need to stay positive and remained focused on the goal ahead.

   Still have my days of overall melancholy now and then. Still think about my wife far too much. I haven't seen her in a year now, you'd think that all these feeling would have dissipated by now, but they haven't. It's getting better though. I did however, in a moment of weakness, send her a nasty text the other night. Just the general vulgarity of how she is a weak person, that runs away from her problems, rather than facing them. Of course I added the right amount of obscenities to go along with it... I regret that. When I do, on the rare occasion, try and contact her, I usually try to be civil, even alluring. I have this stupid notion in my head that she might decide to return one day. A wishful pipe dream, I know. What would happen if she actually did come back anyways? I'm not naive enough to pretend it would all be roses, apologies, and we'd live happily ever after. I know we can't go back. The person she was, is a person that no longer exists. Hell, I'm not the person I was anymore either. I wish that I hadn't sent that last text though. I'd like to think that I am better than that. Eh...shit happens I guess. I do think I spend far too much time beating myself up. God knows that the world does that enough without my aid.

   When I think about it, I believe that it is the idea of what we had that I miss the most. I realize that Jamie, as a person, is easily replaced. I've had several offers already, but have passed them all up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here living the life of a monk. I get mine on occasion. No, I think it was the connection, and the compatibility that keeps me from making any commitment to another woman. I think that once you tasted what it is like to be with someone who truly fits with you, then why bother with anyone that "will do"? I don't want someone that "will do", and since I have also realized that the perfect fit is a rare thing, I don't waste my time running around "trying on" new women. It just seems futile to me. I think that is why I wallow so much in the loss of my wife. It's not Schmoe that can't be replaced, it's the way she used to fit. I say used to, because , as I have already mention, that woman no longer exist. The only thing left of that woman is my memories. I am beginning to realize that it isn't healthy for me to hang on to those memories so tightly. All they do is turn me into a crazy person.

   All in all, I think I'm gonna be ok. My biggest concern right now is my financial situation. I think the solution to that, is keeping my chin up, and keeping my faith that it will all work itself out. All things happen for a reason. If I can remember that , and not focus on what happened, but what I need to learn from it, then I am a step closer to success. A step further would be to actually learn the lesson, apply it, then move on. Things are gonna be ok. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I excited to be in the light again.

~SB~

Wishes

Do you,? Does she,? Is it possible,? Do you ever wish for me?...I wish for you.

Miracle

   Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to have three "Great Loves". Each one greater than the one before. The thing about a "Great Love", is that the dreams don't ever end. The heart never fully recovers. Sure, the longer you are separated, the duller the the pain of losing them becomes, but you never forget a "Great Love". The pain of losing them, is never completely washed away. My first one ended almost 20 years ago. Yet still, she will creep into my mind on occasion. And when she does, so do all the memories. While I still hurt over the memory of losing her, I love the feeling that all the other memories bring me. Of course, like any other wound, the fresher it is, the more it hurts. The easier it is for the stitches to break. But I am lucky, especially with my last "Great Love". I have gotten the chance to really love someone. Someone once really loved me too, and that,....
....is a miracle.

I'm Just Saying
~SB~

Draw That Line!

   It doesn't matter how right you are.. when the one , (or the one's,) you love, choose to side against you... At that point.... you have to make a decision ...ARE YOU RIGHT?!?!?..

 And what are you willing to do about it??!!??!!

   Sometimes it doesn't matter how right you are. You will still have to suffer the consequences... The consequences of following the choices of your your beliefs. Sometimes, you just have to realize,... you have done everything right, but it just wasn't enough! Not just enough for them, but not necessarily enough in general.

   There are many factors to this outcome ... What you must decide is ... in a hundred years, will anyone give a shit? If not, then I say fuck it,.. and fuck them .. when put into perspective, they're obviously not worth it.

   Perspective ... Now there is a notion.

   I've fucked up a lot in my life, and I still pay for many of those mistakes. Sometimes, realizing that, doesn't make anything easier. In fact,.. when you see someone you care very deeply about, making the same mistakes, it makes it harder. Not only because you can see the mistakes they're making, but that you see that you can't stop them.

   As a person who had to put my hand on the stove, to realize that they were telling the truth when they said it would burn me,... I feels so helpless, when I see a loved one reaching out for that burner.

   When you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.

~SB~

Holy Roller

   I have this homework assignment that requires me to make a 11 x 17 poster ad that includes a sporting event background. My professor wants to see action. Since I am broke, and can't afford to purchase images at the quality level, and size that I need, I have decided to dray up my own image. I have chosen Roller Derby as my sport. I am thinking that I will use a comic book sort of format, and would like to back it up with some actual photography. However, I think I will end up drawing the entire picture myself. Later I will import my drawing into Photoshop and make a slew of adjustments.

   It's times like this that I really miss Schmoe. While she and I are very different artists, she has a knowledge and perspective that I have always admired.

   I hope this piece comes out well. I don't know though. Some of my proportions are a bit extreme. However, this is common in comic book art. I am just in the sketching mode, but I can see already, that by choosing to draw my own image, old school style, and incorporate it into a modern art form, I am taking a big risk.

   Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

Too Bad...

   It's just too bad that all of those letters, all of those visits, all of those conversations, all of those nights... are a waste .. It's just too bad..

I Wish I Wish I Wish...

   So we're  getting down to it. I am beginning to realize what is going on. I was gone for a little too long. Now... for many, 15 months isn't that much, especially when you have already gone through the first 13, but to some people, it's just too much.

   It seems that my wife is one of those casualties. That it was just too long... By a hair. But too long, none the same.
   I don't believe that she has forgotten all that we were, but I understand now that she wants to forget, and that leads to so many of the decisions made today.

   It is so very sad that it has come to this. It is so very sad that she needs to remember me in such a light, but it makes sense .. I guess

   The truth is, she has moved on. She has committed to her decision. That once, I was a decision that she had committed to, but now, she has forsaken that choice for another.

   Actually, it was her dedication to her choices that drew me to her the most. Now that her dedication is focused elsewhere, how can I blame her?

 I only regret that her dedication couldn't last another 58 days. Maybe we would be better for it in the end. I would like to believe so. However she disagree's. She has chosen to hate everything that brought her to here ... I guess so must I.

   So I will continue on .. once again single .. a place I look not forward to. However is is what it is.

   I miss her dedication. I understand the dedication she now has. It makes sense I suppose. It's too bad that she wouldn't face me head on. Guess she knew that she couldn't.

  I miss her being my everything, guess she doesn't. However I guess it makes sense.

   So it's over... not the way that I would hope for, but over none the same. I wish you the best my love. I only hope that you can remember one great thing about me. I hope. I wish ... I wish ... Just one great thing...