Lately I have been having trouble finding joy. I seem to be angry all of the time, and I'm really kind of sick of it. I don't want to be one of those guys that wallows in his own misery, but I think I'm getting to the end of my rope. Everything just seems so fucked up. I just keep receiving blow after blow, and it's been going on now for the last 4 1/2 years. Then end is always just beyond my reach. Tricking me into believing that this is almost over, but I never seem to reach that horizon.
Between the car accident, losing my wife, going to prison, dealing with parole/probation, loosing all contact with my son; watching the country go to hell; seeing the abuse/corruption in our justice system first hand; seeing the battle between the sex's reach new records of hypocrisy; watching our society cave into corporate/government propaganda and fear. Not to mention the loneliness I feel creeping up on me more and more with each new day.
Am I losing my "touch," my "swagger?" I keep telling myself, "just a little bit longer. Soon you'll get your settlement, and then you can get your teeth fixed, your knee fixed... maybe do something about being so deaf. Lose some weight, buy a car and new clothes.... then people will like you again. Then you can be happy again; find a good girl that want's to be with you, and relax. Not have to be so alone, stuck in this God damn apartment. Just hang on for a bit longer." However, I'm starting to believe that it's all a load of crap.
What if I've been this way for so long, that I'm stuck in this angry, fat, toothless, broke as fuck body, and will never escape from this mire I'm swimming in? What if my roommate is right, and you don't need money to find a good girl;... then what's my excuse? Maybe I've turned into a horrible person; bitter and full of nothing but self loathing? Doomed to be lonely for the rest of my life.
Most of my 30's were spent waiting for something to be over, and now that it's almost over, I'm damn near 40 and wonder just how marketable I am. I missed out on so much, and am beginning to realize that I'll never get that time back. Why is my life such a vicious cycle? I missed out on my childhood due to abuse and neglect, and now I miss out on the prime period of adulthood due to more abuse and negligence.
There's not much left for me. There's girls that are too young, or immature to offer me any real substance. There's bitter women that are all used up, and have nothing worth wild left to offer. There's entitled women who want spineless meal tickets, with a boy toy on the side here and there. The good ones are all taken. At least that's the way it seems.
Of course thinking about this only makes me regret the time I waisted on my ex even more. Or think about the mistakes I made here, or there. Regret letting my friend, whom won't even talk to me anymore, convince me into moving back to the west coast in the first place. I was living good in MPLS. Or re-live that horrible accident over and over again in my mind. Regret, regret regret. Which leads to me thinking about every mistake I've ever made over the last decade. How I burned this friend, or should have made that choice, or how I ruined that relationship. Over and over again, these horrors haunt me. Never allowing me more than a brief moment of joy here and there. That's all that seems left for me. And I doubt that it's enough.
I need a friend. A good friend. Someone that I want to be friends with. Someone that wants to be friends with me. Someone I admire and look up to. Someone who see's something great in me, and is willing to help me see it in myself. Someone that admires me, my thoughts, my views, standards, and abilities. But how do you get someone to like you, be loyal to you, love you, when you can hardly stand yourself? When you are beginning to believe all of the things the courts, PO's, cops, jailers, media, feminists, ministers, lawyers, nay-sayers, ex's, ect. are saying about you?
I have spent many years alone. Usually I find a way to embrace my solitude. To find strength in it. Eventually, I become stronger, confident, and learn to love myself even more. This time seems to be different though. Or maybe, I have spent too much time alone this time. Maybe. I am losing myself, and becoming a bitter old man. Angry at the world for missed opportunities and injustices never realized.
Years ago, I wrote a song about an old friend called "The Has Been That Never Was." Maybe that is what I've become.
Just Saying
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