All Rung Out...With bad Tattoo's

I think I may be done. Not done in the way that ya'll need to call an ambulance and have me put on a 24 hour watch. But done as in, I think I may have reached my limit.

Look... It's been close to 2 years now, and I still have yet to recover from the last blow. I still hurt, I sill doubt myself, I still ache over it all. I'm still just basically fucked up. (Side note: All you mother fuckers that were there, and/or participated in this whole debacle, listen up....Here's from one of the collateral damaged; a result of your debauchery,.. from which this one is not getting back up) I just have lost the will. I just don't see the point. (again... not suicidal, so relax) I just can't find a reason to continue. A reason to try. There's no point in me trying to find a partner anymore. Shit I'm damn near 40. If it was to happen, it would have happened by now, and the last chance I had, got wasted away by a lot of bad luck and even badder  friends. (badder... didn't think I'd ever be able to justify that word) Shit I still have to deal with the asshole who won out,.. rubbing my face in it every chance he can get. Fuck! I'm still wearing the clothing of the wolves that infiltrated my most personal of depths.

Some of us were just meant to die alone. There comes a time in your life when you just have to accept that which you can not change. I have had some really great loves in my life. 3 to be exact, and I believe that a man can't ask for more. For me, it wasn't written in the cards for me to actually keep any of them. Guess the wind blows the way it chooses and there aint a damn thing one can do about it

I've had a good run. I've seen things that people who may live 4 times longer, never get to see. I've built stories that have pushed themselves well beyond the point of believabilty. I've earned every story tattooed on my body. So don't feel sorry for me. I made my bed, and I plan on sleeping in it.

I was foolish to believe that I would end up settling down with someone to share these life experiences with. Maybe I allowed myself to wish for a little more than I really knew I would ever achieve. But I chose this life. I chose it long ago. In the foothills of some town not quite forgotten by me, and definitely not by itself,... Long ago, on a starry night in my 18th year. Sitting on the hood of my old pickup, looking out on the lights of an unsubstantial city. Listening to a boy/man, that I would one day outgrow; a boy/man that would abandon me in a city of the most fierce cold,.. tell me a story that I would never forget,.. and be doomed,  from that point on, to live. That each of those lights out there represented a family... A man who decided to settle down and have a family... A man that decided that the road was not for him... That finding someone to grow roots with was the means to happiness... I listen to my friend tell me " Me and you,... We're not meant for that sorta life. We'll always search for more. Our lives will never be summed up by a light lost in a multitude of some suburban night."

So here I am... Some 25 odd years later, with a heart smashed all to shit, a pocket full of stories, and an empty room with nothing but this keyboard to keep me company. While I ache over what I've lost, there is still a part of me that is proud to know that at least I am not some porch light lost amongst a plethora of a million other lights. I'm alone, yet I knew that this was where my path would lead me. I'm not some failure that has no future. In fact, in many ways, my future still has more brightness coming that most would only dream of. It's just a brilliance that I have to endure alone. Something that I would do better by excepting sooner, rather than later.

I suppose the point is, pretty much the same as when I started the rant, I just need to learn to except the things in life that I have no means to change. Maybe then I can once again find happiness in my solitude.

I'm just saying...

Just Who Do You Think You Are?

I find that many confuse empathy with sympathy. You'll find that many of us "liberals" don't want your sympathy. I'd like to think that we, as a country, would take our "Melting Pot" proclamations, and apply it to our immediate social environments. My value systems are different than yours. Just as yours are different than your neighbors. Do you have enough room in your heart to allow for these differences? Are you capable of identifying these differences, and while not always agreeing with them, EMPATHIZING with those who's character is not exactly the way you would choose it to be? Well... are you?

What Was That?

   I still hang out with the worse of the worse.

   I have changed, but you'd never know by my company. I have lunch with those who have murdered... I toast with those that have crippled. I drink with those that you work so hard to imprison. Yes I have changed, but not the way you were thinking...

You might think that I am not talking about you...but I am.... You let me go to prison. You let me evolve in this manner. You supported my deprivation. You did it with,.. or without acting. This would never had happened if you had done something to stop it...

So here I am now... One who only finds reality in what I can actually see is real. Say what you want about us ex-cons... at least we're real. We may not, in fact often aren't, right... but we're real. We react to real situations. We hold you accountable to those sins that you would rather not be accountable for. We do what you know should be done, but would rather sweep under the rug.

Many talk about moral objectives and what that entails... many talk about abuse and negligence... Many talk about God and what he expects... Many talk about actually standing up for something... Many talk... and that's all they ever do... Guess what.. Convicts don't talk!

We're what you can never be. We're the warriors that you're too chicken shit to be. Yes there are a lot of us that are completely fucked up, but without those fucked up individuals, how would you be able to disregard us all as a whole? It makes for a convenient excuse.

Maybe we have forgotten the benefit of having differences between each other? Maybe we have been so diluted by others arguments, that we have forgotten that there was a reason for an opposition in the first place? Maybe we let that little "gnat" of a voice, decide our current future. Maybe we were never meant to be this diplomatic...maybe there should be lines... boundaries? Maybe,,, Just maybe... There are roles that need to be filled... Maybe there is an equality that can only be achieved by a dividence of responsibilities...roles even.

I challenge you "M"... What good has your feminism accomplished? Not feminism as the media chooses to portray it, but the one that you preach so adamantly about. What more have you accomplished? Other than a definite divide? More men imprisoned,... more war,where more men die,.... more children men are being blamed for abandoning. More spending that men are responsible for paying? What exactly were you looking to fix....How have you accomplished that goal....and as a man, I'm asking...How have you made my life better... or does that matter?

it's everywhere.... The Divide..

I can't get a job
I can't get licensed
I can't graduate
I can't buy a home
I can't drive a car
I can't live a life....

...Till Then I ask you.

So you have won... you now have control of me...what are you going to do with it?
About Face! What were we just talking about?
Was that all it took to get you to forget the last subject?
Or are you on some sort of recon mission to destroy all of this...
... debauchery?

What was I just talking about?... Do you even remember?

stay stuck on the thoughts of a majority that gets all the benefits and respect of a minority,...
and how they're entitled to win!

What was I talking about?

~SB~

Get Over It!

   There are many times in my life that I come to grips with the reality of me, and all that "that" entails. I'm difficult and I contradict myself at times. I know this. I'm not as stupid as many would choose to believe. However there is a method to my own personal mayhem. I am not a vicious person. I am not a greedy person. I'm not selfish by any means, if fact... it could very well may mean my undoing to be as generous as I am.

   However there are so many mistakes on my part. I constantly feel guilty about them. It could be argued that it is my guilt that allows me to continue with my recklessness. Of course I can never let on to this insecurity, but it is there, none the less. To let on to this, would mean my undoing. If I were to do so, it would allow too many gaps in my armor. My so called friends / enemies would have a field day.

   So then how is one to ever get to the truth?

   I realize that my generosity is so overshadowed by my current poverty, that it is impossible for many to see it. I also realize that certain indiscretions and bad choices of lately on my part make it even more difficult to see the inner glow that is mine. These poor choices have provided an amalgam of ammunition for those who choose to use it against me. However, does that make those good qualities of mine any less real? I challenge you to to think about this. Have we not all been at a point of weakness? Would you appreciate the same scrutiny that you are now showing me? At that vulnerable point in your life that allows you to relate, would you appreciate such condemnations?? If so, then by all means, continue to make your judments..." he without sin,..throw the first stone".

   Several of my "friends" live a life dedicated to judgement and scrutiny, but I feel that your "higher level of morality" has actually left you with a general attitude of discontent. That you will only be impressed with those who have accomplished what you have not.Yet condemn them for accomplishing it by saying how they have loss contact with that which made them who they are. Therefore, making it impossible to ever get your approval, or blessing. Anyone close to you, that may be trying to overcome their own personal obstacles, are now regarded as nothing more than a seagull trying to be a hawk. To that I have only this to say this... Call me Jonathan.

   I will continue to try and befriend that bald headed freak that lives by a double standard sword. I will continue to call the love of my life, my "wife". I will continue to put forth every effort to prove them wrong. I will continue to pursue success. I will do this for them, but ultimately for myself. Because it is through their scrutiny that I will accomplish what makes them gnash their teeth. Ultimately this is for my own good. Their disapproval of my  reality is exactly what I need to accomplish my goal,.. which is to eventually get their submission. To finally say..." You have done it" Only then will I reach my utmost goal.... To get to a point when their approval no longer is significant to me... At that point, they no longer matter, which may explain why they hope, so much, for my failure.

   Recently I have been accused of caring more about my image than my own happiness. This is a ridiculous attempt to justify the naysayers and their actions. I AM COOL!  But not because I try to be, but because I no longer want to be "cool". I  have found my style. I may be different, but I am me. I have come into my own. I have discovered myself. I recognize my weaknesses, and my strengths...  and I actually like myself.
 
    I was recently thrown into a situation that forced me to find strength in myself. It is in my opinion that everyone should have to face their own demons, and overcome them. Only then, will you ever be able to accomplish a true analyses of one's self. I encourage you to truly judge yourself before ever attempting to judge me.

   So here comes the overview. I am not perfect. I long for friendships that don't long for me. I have done stupid shit. I am an ex con. I could be perceived as a person of poor quality.... However, I have a lot of talent. I have a lot of loyalty. I am capable of many great things. I am a great artist. I will one day be successful. I will overcome my bad reputation. I am a good friend. I am a good person.

   So judge me, you computer tech. Judge me, you comic theater geek. Judge me, you nymphomaniac hypocrite. Judge me, you hateful cook. Judge me, you unloyal lover. Judge me, you perfect friend....You have all touched me in a truly joyfull, and truly painfull ways.... All in all it will end up the same..... I will never answer to you. Yes I may have to answer to someone, but not you! So get over it.

Don't follow me,
I may not lead...
Don't lead,
I may not follow...
Walk beside me,...
      and be my friend.
(Author Unknown)

Shadow Boxin'

   I never thought we would end up here (left, left, upper cut, right hook). You have no defense (jab, jab, illegal elbow).  You're weak, and pathetic (right cross, gut shot). You're in a corner (upper cut, left, right, hook). Why the hell did you ever get me in this ring anyways? (chin shot, head butt, over under, KO punch!) You're OUT! I Lose.

2 Minute Warning

   I have decided that I need to write more often. In order to do this I will write for 2 minutes every time I get a hint that writing is an inclination of mine. This is my 2 minutes today.

    Henry was from a small town,.. way on the western border of Townsend Oklahoma. He was a simple man. Didn't need much. Started his day with 2 eggs, half slab of bacon, and 1 and a half cups of coffee at 5:45 am... every day. After that he would shave, floss, and put on his work clothes.
 
 First he had to milk Ginger, the over aged goat that would never stop eating anything she could find. Then he was free to tend to the pigs.Ginger was a difficult personality to deal with. Always awry, and always trifle. After all of the years Henry had been working with Ginger, he still, to this day, cannot find reason to mayhem to keep her on board. So every now and then he thinks of what it would be like if he just sold her to Johnny Crowton down the road.

   Maybe it was the regularity of it. Yeah... that's it. Something normal about dealing with the same  annoyance that makes Ginger, well,.. Ginger. It's that daily routine that makes Henry's world make sense. If everything was absolutely peaches, then something is definitively wrong. I mean corn don't grow sideways,.. do it?

   Anyhow, it made perfect sense to Henry. And "Sense is what Sense gives"

Telepathic Communication

   I had a horrific dream last night.I dreamed that one of my two worst fears came true.  This sucks. I have been dreaming about the same subject ever since the night I was locked up. It's very difficult because I always have to shake off those dark feelings just to get out of bed. Today is especially difficult.

   It was so real, that I wonder if it is true. The vividness of the dream was so sharp, that I felt as if it was actually happening. The indifference of me, and the disregard of my feelings. The act portraying complete innocence and ignorance to the pain caused. It was like complete reality.

   Needless to say, I think it completely sucked. I woke up so distraught, that it took me 3 more hours to make myself get up, and start my homework. I feel a little better now, but that nagging feeling that the biggest mistake made yet, has been stacked onto a huge pile of big mistakes, won't go away.

   Think I'm gonna grab some coffee. Shake this feeling off.

~SB~