There are many times in my life that I come to grips with the reality of me, and all that "that" entails. I'm difficult and I contradict myself at times. I know this. I'm not as stupid as many would choose to believe. However there is a method to my own personal mayhem. I am not a vicious person. I am not a greedy person. I'm not selfish by any means, if fact... it could very well may mean my undoing to be as generous as I am.
However there are so many mistakes on my part. I constantly feel guilty about them. It could be argued that it is my guilt that allows me to continue with my recklessness. Of course I can never let on to this insecurity, but it is there, none the less. To let on to this, would mean my undoing. If I were to do so, it would allow too many gaps in my armor. My so called friends / enemies would have a field day.
So then how is one to ever get to the truth?
I realize that my generosity is so overshadowed by my current poverty, that it is impossible for many to see it. I also realize that certain indiscretions and bad choices of lately on my part make it even more difficult to see the inner glow that is mine. These poor choices have provided an amalgam of ammunition for those who choose to use it against me. However, does that make those good qualities of mine any less real? I challenge you to to think about this. Have we not all been at a point of weakness? Would you appreciate the same scrutiny that you are now showing me? At that vulnerable point in your life that allows you to relate, would you appreciate such condemnations?? If so, then by all means, continue to make your judments..." he without sin,..throw the first stone".
Several of my "friends" live a life dedicated to judgement and scrutiny, but I feel that your "higher level of morality" has actually left you with a general attitude of discontent. That you will only be impressed with those who have accomplished what you have not.Yet condemn them for accomplishing it by saying how they have loss contact with that which made them who they are. Therefore, making it impossible to ever get your approval, or blessing. Anyone close to you, that may be trying to overcome their own personal obstacles, are now regarded as nothing more than a seagull trying to be a hawk. To that I have only this to say this... Call me Jonathan.
I will continue to try and befriend that bald headed freak that lives by a double standard sword. I will continue to call the love of my life, my "wife". I will continue to put forth every effort to prove them wrong. I will continue to pursue success. I will do this for them, but ultimately for myself. Because it is through their scrutiny that I will accomplish what makes them gnash their teeth. Ultimately this is for my own good. Their disapproval of my reality is exactly what I need to accomplish my goal,.. which is to eventually get their submission. To finally say..." You have done it" Only then will I reach my utmost goal.... To get to a point when their approval no longer is significant to me... At that point, they no longer matter, which may explain why they hope, so much, for my failure.
Recently I have been accused of caring more about my image than my own happiness. This is a ridiculous attempt to justify the naysayers and their actions. I AM COOL! But not because I try to be, but because I no longer want to be "cool". I have found my style. I may be different, but I am me. I have come into my own. I have discovered myself. I recognize my weaknesses, and my strengths... and I actually like myself.
I was recently thrown into a situation that forced me to find strength in myself. It is in my opinion that everyone should have to face their own demons, and overcome them. Only then, will you ever be able to accomplish a true analyses of one's self. I encourage you to truly judge yourself before ever attempting to judge me.
So here comes the overview. I am not perfect. I long for friendships that don't long for me. I have done stupid shit. I am an ex con. I could be perceived as a person of poor quality.... However, I have a lot of talent. I have a lot of loyalty. I am capable of many great things. I am a great artist. I will one day be successful. I will overcome my bad reputation. I am a good friend. I am a good person.
So judge me, you computer tech. Judge me, you comic theater geek. Judge me, you nymphomaniac hypocrite. Judge me, you hateful cook. Judge me, you unloyal lover. Judge me, you perfect friend....You have all touched me in a truly joyfull, and truly painfull ways.... All in all it will end up the same..... I will never answer to you. Yes I may have to answer to someone, but not you! So get over it.
Don't follow me,
I may not lead...
Don't lead,
I may not follow...
Walk beside me,...
and be my friend.
(Author Unknown)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Shadow Boxin'
I never thought we would end up here (left, left, upper cut, right hook). You have no defense (jab, jab, illegal elbow). You're weak, and pathetic (right cross, gut shot). You're in a corner (upper cut, left, right, hook). Why the hell did you ever get me in this ring anyways? (chin shot, head butt, over under, KO punch!) You're OUT! I Lose.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
2 Minute Warning
I have decided that I need to write more often. In order to do this I will write for 2 minutes every time I get a hint that writing is an inclination of mine. This is my 2 minutes today.
Henry was from a small town,.. way on the western border of Townsend Oklahoma. He was a simple man. Didn't need much. Started his day with 2 eggs, half slab of bacon, and 1 and a half cups of coffee at 5:45 am... every day. After that he would shave, floss, and put on his work clothes.
First he had to milk Ginger, the over aged goat that would never stop eating anything she could find. Then he was free to tend to the pigs.Ginger was a difficult personality to deal with. Always awry, and always trifle. After all of the years Henry had been working with Ginger, he still, to this day, cannot find reason to mayhem to keep her on board. So every now and then he thinks of what it would be like if he just sold her to Johnny Crowton down the road.
Maybe it was the regularity of it. Yeah... that's it. Something normal about dealing with the same annoyance that makes Ginger, well,.. Ginger. It's that daily routine that makes Henry's world make sense. If everything was absolutely peaches, then something is definitively wrong. I mean corn don't grow sideways,.. do it?
Anyhow, it made perfect sense to Henry. And "Sense is what Sense gives"
Henry was from a small town,.. way on the western border of Townsend Oklahoma. He was a simple man. Didn't need much. Started his day with 2 eggs, half slab of bacon, and 1 and a half cups of coffee at 5:45 am... every day. After that he would shave, floss, and put on his work clothes.
First he had to milk Ginger, the over aged goat that would never stop eating anything she could find. Then he was free to tend to the pigs.Ginger was a difficult personality to deal with. Always awry, and always trifle. After all of the years Henry had been working with Ginger, he still, to this day, cannot find reason to mayhem to keep her on board. So every now and then he thinks of what it would be like if he just sold her to Johnny Crowton down the road.
Maybe it was the regularity of it. Yeah... that's it. Something normal about dealing with the same annoyance that makes Ginger, well,.. Ginger. It's that daily routine that makes Henry's world make sense. If everything was absolutely peaches, then something is definitively wrong. I mean corn don't grow sideways,.. do it?
Anyhow, it made perfect sense to Henry. And "Sense is what Sense gives"
Monday, June 27, 2011
Telepathic Communication
I had a horrific dream last night.I dreamed that one of my two worst fears came true. This sucks. I have been dreaming about the same subject ever since the night I was locked up. It's very difficult because I always have to shake off those dark feelings just to get out of bed. Today is especially difficult.
It was so real, that I wonder if it is true. The vividness of the dream was so sharp, that I felt as if it was actually happening. The indifference of me, and the disregard of my feelings. The act portraying complete innocence and ignorance to the pain caused. It was like complete reality.
Needless to say, I think it completely sucked. I woke up so distraught, that it took me 3 more hours to make myself get up, and start my homework. I feel a little better now, but that nagging feeling that the biggest mistake made yet, has been stacked onto a huge pile of big mistakes, won't go away.
Think I'm gonna grab some coffee. Shake this feeling off.
~SB~
It was so real, that I wonder if it is true. The vividness of the dream was so sharp, that I felt as if it was actually happening. The indifference of me, and the disregard of my feelings. The act portraying complete innocence and ignorance to the pain caused. It was like complete reality.
Needless to say, I think it completely sucked. I woke up so distraught, that it took me 3 more hours to make myself get up, and start my homework. I feel a little better now, but that nagging feeling that the biggest mistake made yet, has been stacked onto a huge pile of big mistakes, won't go away.
Think I'm gonna grab some coffee. Shake this feeling off.
~SB~
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
My Words Of Wisdom
SickBoy's Law
- Push past your comfort level, because only then will you improve.
- Live for the now, but take responsibility for it.
- The beer is only half full when it's your last,... and that's a good thing.
- Art is everywhere, learn to love it.
- No one will care in a hundred years, unless you did it right... Or very,... very wrong.
- Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is forever.
- Fear only leads to regrets.
- Mistakes give you an opportunity for improvement.
- If you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.
- Fuck trying...Do!
- Give out a free smoke, but smack them if they ask for two.
- Take only that you are willing to give, but will be able to give back at some point.
- Fall on your face...but get the fuck up!
- Love, no matter how much it hurts, then love some more.
- Not only challenge authority, confront it.
- Always ask why.
- Always raise with a KK, AK, QJ, 5-8, or an AA. Question QQ, and always fold Q3, 7-2, and 8-3.
- Never submit unless you have respect for what you are submitting to,...and it respects you too.
- Fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
- Never fight for those who won't fight for themselves.
- "Do not lead me, I may not follow.... Do not follow, I may not lead.... Walk beside me and be my friend" (Unknown)
~SB~
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thanks, I'll Take It From Here
I started my Typography class last night. I have Art Appreciation, and stupid Math coming up later this week. However, my Typography class should be pretty cool though. I'll be learning all about Fonts, Letters, Type, and how to manipulate them. I'll also be learning the program "In Design", which is a great thing. The teach said that if I know Typography, and Photography, then that's all I really need in this day and age to be a good graphic designer, but that I was ahead of the game, because I actually have artistic talent. Of course I felt inspired after receiving that compliment.
Now I need to get the camera that my sister gave me fixed. It was slightly damaged through a recent mis-hap, but it shouldn't take much to have it fixed. I think it just needs to be adjusted. It's a great camera though, and I think I will be relying on it heavily to start my career. Between the help I've received from friends and family getting me the equipment I have, and me doing so well in my schooling, I am beginning to see that one day I will not be so broke all of the time.
It's super frustrating right now, but this in just for now. I wont always be in this spot. Someday I will be able to look back at all those that dragged me down, or didn't ever think I was gonna be anything, and give them a giant F@#k You! Of course, by that time, I will have been so focused on my achievements, that I really won't care about what my nay-sayers are thinking. Which, that in itself will be an awesome thing.
Then I will have to focus on my next goal...TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD... Buah ha ha ha aah aah ahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!! You'll have to forgive me, I splurged this morning and drank THREE cups of coffee!
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
Now I need to get the camera that my sister gave me fixed. It was slightly damaged through a recent mis-hap, but it shouldn't take much to have it fixed. I think it just needs to be adjusted. It's a great camera though, and I think I will be relying on it heavily to start my career. Between the help I've received from friends and family getting me the equipment I have, and me doing so well in my schooling, I am beginning to see that one day I will not be so broke all of the time.
It's super frustrating right now, but this in just for now. I wont always be in this spot. Someday I will be able to look back at all those that dragged me down, or didn't ever think I was gonna be anything, and give them a giant F@#k You! Of course, by that time, I will have been so focused on my achievements, that I really won't care about what my nay-sayers are thinking. Which, that in itself will be an awesome thing.
Then I will have to focus on my next goal...TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD... Buah ha ha ha aah aah ahaahaa!!!!!!!!!!! You'll have to forgive me, I splurged this morning and drank THREE cups of coffee!
I'm Just Saying
~SB~
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Reporting In
Not much to write about these days. Things are better in some ways, but along with the good ya gotta take the bad.
School is going well. Lots of art, so I'm doing well there. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do fine on my finals, and that will mean a 4.0 g.p.a. I was actually working on my final project for my design class when I decided to write a little something. My friend Mia is letting me use her Wacom pad! Very exciting! I'm learning how to use that. It's basically a mouse in the shape of a pen. My hand / eye coordination is being put to the test. I know that once I get it down, it will help me immensely.
I still haven't found work. It's depressing me a bit. It's difficult to find something I can do with this bum knee of mine. It'll be much better when I get a bit more schooling under my belt. Luckily, I have friends that have odd jobs for me to do here and there. It's not a lot, but it gets me by. It's stressful though, cause you never know where your next dollar is coming from or when. I guess it's all a part of being a student, right. Be broke now, so I can be less broke later. ;D
My roommate, Dani, is doing ok. She just got herself a new car. It's a 65 VW Bug, with a rag tag paint job, a blue and red racing strip going down the center of it accented with the number 53. Yup, you guessed it, it's the Herbie car!!! It needs a decent amount of work, but it's solid. The body is straight for the most part. Some minor dings, and surface rust, but nothing major. The engine, and running gear are in really good shape. Much better than I expected. The seats are in good shape too. It needs the seals replaced around the doors, and in the fire wall by the drivers feet, along with carpet and paint, and it'll be good a nice car. A few other minor issues, but all in all, a good little Bug. I might find her a better one, and buy it, Then we'd trade, if she likes it. (that is if I can ever make any money) The 65 is nice, but I think she'll be happier with something a little newer. Like a late 60's or early 70's model. You know, the ones with retractable seat belts,head rests, a stereo, gauges, better airflow system,a few more bells and whistles that just make driving easier. I, however, prefer the simplicity of the older rigs. We'll see what happens.
Right now, since she recently lost here job, we are being as frugal as possible. I'm pretty sure that she will find a new one relatively soon. She's already scheduling interviews. She doesn't have bothersome little annoyances like a felony, or a disability getting in her way. So I believe her time spent unemployed will be short lived. Wish I could say the same for myself. It can be discouraging at times, but I know if I'm ever gonna get through this I need to stay positive and remained focused on the goal ahead.
Still have my days of overall melancholy now and then. Still think about my wife far too much. I haven't seen her in a year now, you'd think that all these feeling would have dissipated by now, but they haven't. It's getting better though. I did however, in a moment of weakness, send her a nasty text the other night. Just the general vulgarity of how she is a weak person, that runs away from her problems, rather than facing them. Of course I added the right amount of obscenities to go along with it... I regret that. When I do, on the rare occasion, try and contact her, I usually try to be civil, even alluring. I have this stupid notion in my head that she might decide to return one day. A wishful pipe dream, I know. What would happen if she actually did come back anyways? I'm not naive enough to pretend it would all be roses, apologies, and we'd live happily ever after. I know we can't go back. The person she was, is a person that no longer exists. Hell, I'm not the person I was anymore either. I wish that I hadn't sent that last text though. I'd like to think that I am better than that. Eh...shit happens I guess. I do think I spend far too much time beating myself up. God knows that the world does that enough without my aid.
When I think about it, I believe that it is the idea of what we had that I miss the most. I realize that Jamie, as a person, is easily replaced. I've had several offers already, but have passed them all up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here living the life of a monk. I get mine on occasion. No, I think it was the connection, and the compatibility that keeps me from making any commitment to another woman. I think that once you tasted what it is like to be with someone who truly fits with you, then why bother with anyone that "will do"? I don't want someone that "will do", and since I have also realized that the perfect fit is a rare thing, I don't waste my time running around "trying on" new women. It just seems futile to me. I think that is why I wallow so much in the loss of my wife. It's not Schmoe that can't be replaced, it's the way she used to fit. I say used to, because , as I have already mention, that woman no longer exist. The only thing left of that woman is my memories. I am beginning to realize that it isn't healthy for me to hang on to those memories so tightly. All they do is turn me into a crazy person.
All in all, I think I'm gonna be ok. My biggest concern right now is my financial situation. I think the solution to that, is keeping my chin up, and keeping my faith that it will all work itself out. All things happen for a reason. If I can remember that , and not focus on what happened, but what I need to learn from it, then I am a step closer to success. A step further would be to actually learn the lesson, apply it, then move on. Things are gonna be ok. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I excited to be in the light again.
~SB~
School is going well. Lots of art, so I'm doing well there. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do fine on my finals, and that will mean a 4.0 g.p.a. I was actually working on my final project for my design class when I decided to write a little something. My friend Mia is letting me use her Wacom pad! Very exciting! I'm learning how to use that. It's basically a mouse in the shape of a pen. My hand / eye coordination is being put to the test. I know that once I get it down, it will help me immensely.
I still haven't found work. It's depressing me a bit. It's difficult to find something I can do with this bum knee of mine. It'll be much better when I get a bit more schooling under my belt. Luckily, I have friends that have odd jobs for me to do here and there. It's not a lot, but it gets me by. It's stressful though, cause you never know where your next dollar is coming from or when. I guess it's all a part of being a student, right. Be broke now, so I can be less broke later. ;D
My roommate, Dani, is doing ok. She just got herself a new car. It's a 65 VW Bug, with a rag tag paint job, a blue and red racing strip going down the center of it accented with the number 53. Yup, you guessed it, it's the Herbie car!!! It needs a decent amount of work, but it's solid. The body is straight for the most part. Some minor dings, and surface rust, but nothing major. The engine, and running gear are in really good shape. Much better than I expected. The seats are in good shape too. It needs the seals replaced around the doors, and in the fire wall by the drivers feet, along with carpet and paint, and it'll be good a nice car. A few other minor issues, but all in all, a good little Bug. I might find her a better one, and buy it, Then we'd trade, if she likes it. (that is if I can ever make any money) The 65 is nice, but I think she'll be happier with something a little newer. Like a late 60's or early 70's model. You know, the ones with retractable seat belts,head rests, a stereo, gauges, better airflow system,a few more bells and whistles that just make driving easier. I, however, prefer the simplicity of the older rigs. We'll see what happens.
Right now, since she recently lost here job, we are being as frugal as possible. I'm pretty sure that she will find a new one relatively soon. She's already scheduling interviews. She doesn't have bothersome little annoyances like a felony, or a disability getting in her way. So I believe her time spent unemployed will be short lived. Wish I could say the same for myself. It can be discouraging at times, but I know if I'm ever gonna get through this I need to stay positive and remained focused on the goal ahead.
Still have my days of overall melancholy now and then. Still think about my wife far too much. I haven't seen her in a year now, you'd think that all these feeling would have dissipated by now, but they haven't. It's getting better though. I did however, in a moment of weakness, send her a nasty text the other night. Just the general vulgarity of how she is a weak person, that runs away from her problems, rather than facing them. Of course I added the right amount of obscenities to go along with it... I regret that. When I do, on the rare occasion, try and contact her, I usually try to be civil, even alluring. I have this stupid notion in my head that she might decide to return one day. A wishful pipe dream, I know. What would happen if she actually did come back anyways? I'm not naive enough to pretend it would all be roses, apologies, and we'd live happily ever after. I know we can't go back. The person she was, is a person that no longer exists. Hell, I'm not the person I was anymore either. I wish that I hadn't sent that last text though. I'd like to think that I am better than that. Eh...shit happens I guess. I do think I spend far too much time beating myself up. God knows that the world does that enough without my aid.
When I think about it, I believe that it is the idea of what we had that I miss the most. I realize that Jamie, as a person, is easily replaced. I've had several offers already, but have passed them all up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here living the life of a monk. I get mine on occasion. No, I think it was the connection, and the compatibility that keeps me from making any commitment to another woman. I think that once you tasted what it is like to be with someone who truly fits with you, then why bother with anyone that "will do"? I don't want someone that "will do", and since I have also realized that the perfect fit is a rare thing, I don't waste my time running around "trying on" new women. It just seems futile to me. I think that is why I wallow so much in the loss of my wife. It's not Schmoe that can't be replaced, it's the way she used to fit. I say used to, because , as I have already mention, that woman no longer exist. The only thing left of that woman is my memories. I am beginning to realize that it isn't healthy for me to hang on to those memories so tightly. All they do is turn me into a crazy person.
All in all, I think I'm gonna be ok. My biggest concern right now is my financial situation. I think the solution to that, is keeping my chin up, and keeping my faith that it will all work itself out. All things happen for a reason. If I can remember that , and not focus on what happened, but what I need to learn from it, then I am a step closer to success. A step further would be to actually learn the lesson, apply it, then move on. Things are gonna be ok. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I excited to be in the light again.
~SB~
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