Holy Roller

   I have this homework assignment that requires me to make a 11 x 17 poster ad that includes a sporting event background. My professor wants to see action. Since I am broke, and can't afford to purchase images at the quality level, and size that I need, I have decided to dray up my own image. I have chosen Roller Derby as my sport. I am thinking that I will use a comic book sort of format, and would like to back it up with some actual photography. However, I think I will end up drawing the entire picture myself. Later I will import my drawing into Photoshop and make a slew of adjustments.

   It's times like this that I really miss Schmoe. While she and I are very different artists, she has a knowledge and perspective that I have always admired.

   I hope this piece comes out well. I don't know though. Some of my proportions are a bit extreme. However, this is common in comic book art. I am just in the sketching mode, but I can see already, that by choosing to draw my own image, old school style, and incorporate it into a modern art form, I am taking a big risk.

   Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

Too Bad...

   It's just too bad that all of those letters, all of those visits, all of those conversations, all of those nights... are a waste .. It's just too bad..

I Wish I Wish I Wish...

   So we're  getting down to it. I am beginning to realize what is going on. I was gone for a little too long. Now... for many, 15 months isn't that much, especially when you have already gone through the first 13, but to some people, it's just too much.

   It seems that my wife is one of those casualties. That it was just too long... By a hair. But too long, none the same.
   I don't believe that she has forgotten all that we were, but I understand now that she wants to forget, and that leads to so many of the decisions made today.

   It is so very sad that it has come to this. It is so very sad that she needs to remember me in such a light, but it makes sense .. I guess

   The truth is, she has moved on. She has committed to her decision. That once, I was a decision that she had committed to, but now, she has forsaken that choice for another.

   Actually, it was her dedication to her choices that drew me to her the most. Now that her dedication is focused elsewhere, how can I blame her?

 I only regret that her dedication couldn't last another 58 days. Maybe we would be better for it in the end. I would like to believe so. However she disagree's. She has chosen to hate everything that brought her to here ... I guess so must I.

   So I will continue on .. once again single .. a place I look not forward to. However is is what it is.

   I miss her dedication. I understand the dedication she now has. It makes sense I suppose. It's too bad that she wouldn't face me head on. Guess she knew that she couldn't.

  I miss her being my everything, guess she doesn't. However I guess it makes sense.

   So it's over... not the way that I would hope for, but over none the same. I wish you the best my love. I only hope that you can remember one great thing about me. I hope. I wish ... I wish ... Just one great thing...

Careful What You Wish For

   Tonight I was punched in the stomach by the one I have never loved more.

When will you stop lying love? When will you become yourself again? When will  you admit that you have made some bad choices? Cause there is no future till you do.

   Tonight I realized,... that I have to admit,... that I never really knew someone,.. someone that I have known for so long. That there is a crazy that can be hidden from my sight, till that crazy has been turned against me. That no matter what I try to do right, that there will always be those that I tried to help, who will use these helpful actions as ammunition against me. That it just may be just as foolish as everyone says, to ever really trust someone. That I am truly a fool.

   Tonight I learned that there is a price to be paid for love. And that it's not worth it.

Quick Idea

   So I am trying to get a job right now, and there seems to be nothing out there. So I'm thinking of ideas, and here's one that popped into my head. Why don't we have a government agency to keep our monuments clean and in good shape. I mean the Statue of Liberty could probably employ 500 people a year alone. How many people in this country don't know that it's copper? There are statues, and monuments in just about every city in this country. There are thousands of jobs right there. I mean we have agency's that has the sole purpose to find ways to lock up people, how come we don't have more agency's that could actually help people?

Kettle ..You're Black!

   It's a quarter to six in the morning. I had another one of those dreams about Schmoe that wakes me up. I can never fall back asleep after one of those. It doesn't help that I have screwed things up with my best friend either.(Although with that situation, I can't help feeling that I may be being used as a diversion to accomplish an alternative motive. Not that I don't deserve to be thrown under the bus, I do. But it feels like it's being done to save face.) These dreams always are the same. I mean they vary from scenario, to scenario, but the point is always the same. I still miss her. It's been 5 1/2 months since the realization that "she is really gone", was forced down my throat, and nearly 9 months since I've seen her. Yet this feeling that "this isn't really over", still lingers in my subconscious. For some reason, I just can't believe that this is real.

   I've gotta stop this. I'm never gonna take over the world like this. And I am, still, gonna take over the world! Just as soon as I stop self destructing. I am gonna get my shit together, pull my head outta my ass, and take over the world! It may take a bit longer then originally expected, now that my other half has decided to become a selfish, evil little wh@$%, but it will happen! And once I do take over the world, I am banishing all selfish, evil little wh@$#'s to their own island, where they can all f@#k themselves to death. And I am shipping every mosquito in Minnesota to this island. And I am taking anything that can be used as meat off the island (except fish of course, because lets be honest, just because I am gonna rule the world, still doesn't give me power over the ocean) Oh! And all the fire ants in California too. They're going over there too. And it's gonna be someplace hot, with no trees, only puny little bushes that offer very little in shade. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! And crocodiles too, that shoot acid from their mouths! Yeah,.. that's what I am gonna do.

   Of course I might end up regretting this, because if I keep going the route I have been going in, I may be forced to place myself on this here island. And that would be completely unacceptable. I may have to rethink this, let me get back to you. I'm still taking over though... Just you wait! I've still gotta work out a few details, that's all.

~SB~

What If You Were Me?

   Once I was ....

...Oh who the fuck cares?! ..
   ... Bottom line is,.. now who am I. I can sit here, and converse about all of my past escapades, but if I am not doing anything now, then what does it matter. I mean, if you cannot adapt and continue, then die and move on.

   Once I was this giant rock star / playboy, that had more pussy than I knew what to do with. Now I wouldn't know what to do with it, if I had it. What happened? (what the fuck happened?)

    I'll tell ya what happened. I got logical. Typically I would say that this is a good thing, but in this particular case, I would say the opposite. I don't care for anything anymore. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. I think I may have finally bought into that new, 21st century thinking of "whatever will be, will be" as long as "it will be for me". I say this with very little conviction however, because, honestly, I think it's a bunch of horse shit!

   I am so sick of all of these insecure, egotistical, self righteous bastards, who look at a woman and see what they can improve. Never taking the time to see what they can't replace. In turn, I am sick of all these gold digging whores that look at a man for what they can get from them, never taking responsibility of what they may have accomplished on their own, and blaming me, and others of my same stature, for failures they should own for themselves.

   Why are we more interested in pruning our women and castrating our men. Why is it easier for a woman to lacerate their labia, and lazier off their hair, then it is for them to  nurture and care for a man? Not to mention, more politically correct.... (whatever the fuck that oxymoron is supposed to mean.)

   Why is it easier for a man to shave his balls, and wax his chest than to be assertive, or creative,or at least keep more than half of what he has built?

   Why is it easier for us to go against everything that comes natural, than to just admit that "Hey! There are differences! (and)  That's OK!!!

   Now don't think that I have some hidden agenda here. Also, don't think that I have completely disregarded the alternative lifestyle in any way. However, is it wrong for me to talk about  what is common? Is it, because it is common, that it has no right to an opinion?

   Bottom line. I am am man. I am not a perfect man, but I have proven myself good enough to have a good life. A good woman, and a chance at pure happiness. Or any happiness in whatever I can find. Don't I?

   Now, can you imagine how many "activists" I offended, by just saying that?

I'm just saying...
~SB~