I Wish I Wish I Wish...

   So we're  getting down to it. I am beginning to realize what is going on. I was gone for a little too long. Now... for many, 15 months isn't that much, especially when you have already gone through the first 13, but to some people, it's just too much.

   It seems that my wife is one of those casualties. That it was just too long... By a hair. But too long, none the same.
   I don't believe that she has forgotten all that we were, but I understand now that she wants to forget, and that leads to so many of the decisions made today.

   It is so very sad that it has come to this. It is so very sad that she needs to remember me in such a light, but it makes sense .. I guess

   The truth is, she has moved on. She has committed to her decision. That once, I was a decision that she had committed to, but now, she has forsaken that choice for another.

   Actually, it was her dedication to her choices that drew me to her the most. Now that her dedication is focused elsewhere, how can I blame her?

 I only regret that her dedication couldn't last another 58 days. Maybe we would be better for it in the end. I would like to believe so. However she disagree's. She has chosen to hate everything that brought her to here ... I guess so must I.

   So I will continue on .. once again single .. a place I look not forward to. However is is what it is.

   I miss her dedication. I understand the dedication she now has. It makes sense I suppose. It's too bad that she wouldn't face me head on. Guess she knew that she couldn't.

  I miss her being my everything, guess she doesn't. However I guess it makes sense.

   So it's over... not the way that I would hope for, but over none the same. I wish you the best my love. I only hope that you can remember one great thing about me. I hope. I wish ... I wish ... Just one great thing...

Careful What You Wish For

   Tonight I was punched in the stomach by the one I have never loved more.

When will you stop lying love? When will you become yourself again? When will  you admit that you have made some bad choices? Cause there is no future till you do.

   Tonight I realized,... that I have to admit,... that I never really knew someone,.. someone that I have known for so long. That there is a crazy that can be hidden from my sight, till that crazy has been turned against me. That no matter what I try to do right, that there will always be those that I tried to help, who will use these helpful actions as ammunition against me. That it just may be just as foolish as everyone says, to ever really trust someone. That I am truly a fool.

   Tonight I learned that there is a price to be paid for love. And that it's not worth it.

Quick Idea

   So I am trying to get a job right now, and there seems to be nothing out there. So I'm thinking of ideas, and here's one that popped into my head. Why don't we have a government agency to keep our monuments clean and in good shape. I mean the Statue of Liberty could probably employ 500 people a year alone. How many people in this country don't know that it's copper? There are statues, and monuments in just about every city in this country. There are thousands of jobs right there. I mean we have agency's that has the sole purpose to find ways to lock up people, how come we don't have more agency's that could actually help people?

Kettle ..You're Black!

   It's a quarter to six in the morning. I had another one of those dreams about Schmoe that wakes me up. I can never fall back asleep after one of those. It doesn't help that I have screwed things up with my best friend either.(Although with that situation, I can't help feeling that I may be being used as a diversion to accomplish an alternative motive. Not that I don't deserve to be thrown under the bus, I do. But it feels like it's being done to save face.) These dreams always are the same. I mean they vary from scenario, to scenario, but the point is always the same. I still miss her. It's been 5 1/2 months since the realization that "she is really gone", was forced down my throat, and nearly 9 months since I've seen her. Yet this feeling that "this isn't really over", still lingers in my subconscious. For some reason, I just can't believe that this is real.

   I've gotta stop this. I'm never gonna take over the world like this. And I am, still, gonna take over the world! Just as soon as I stop self destructing. I am gonna get my shit together, pull my head outta my ass, and take over the world! It may take a bit longer then originally expected, now that my other half has decided to become a selfish, evil little wh@$%, but it will happen! And once I do take over the world, I am banishing all selfish, evil little wh@$#'s to their own island, where they can all f@#k themselves to death. And I am shipping every mosquito in Minnesota to this island. And I am taking anything that can be used as meat off the island (except fish of course, because lets be honest, just because I am gonna rule the world, still doesn't give me power over the ocean) Oh! And all the fire ants in California too. They're going over there too. And it's gonna be someplace hot, with no trees, only puny little bushes that offer very little in shade. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh! And crocodiles too, that shoot acid from their mouths! Yeah,.. that's what I am gonna do.

   Of course I might end up regretting this, because if I keep going the route I have been going in, I may be forced to place myself on this here island. And that would be completely unacceptable. I may have to rethink this, let me get back to you. I'm still taking over though... Just you wait! I've still gotta work out a few details, that's all.

~SB~

What If You Were Me?

   Once I was ....

...Oh who the fuck cares?! ..
   ... Bottom line is,.. now who am I. I can sit here, and converse about all of my past escapades, but if I am not doing anything now, then what does it matter. I mean, if you cannot adapt and continue, then die and move on.

   Once I was this giant rock star / playboy, that had more pussy than I knew what to do with. Now I wouldn't know what to do with it, if I had it. What happened? (what the fuck happened?)

    I'll tell ya what happened. I got logical. Typically I would say that this is a good thing, but in this particular case, I would say the opposite. I don't care for anything anymore. Because nothing makes sense to me anymore. I think I may have finally bought into that new, 21st century thinking of "whatever will be, will be" as long as "it will be for me". I say this with very little conviction however, because, honestly, I think it's a bunch of horse shit!

   I am so sick of all of these insecure, egotistical, self righteous bastards, who look at a woman and see what they can improve. Never taking the time to see what they can't replace. In turn, I am sick of all these gold digging whores that look at a man for what they can get from them, never taking responsibility of what they may have accomplished on their own, and blaming me, and others of my same stature, for failures they should own for themselves.

   Why are we more interested in pruning our women and castrating our men. Why is it easier for a woman to lacerate their labia, and lazier off their hair, then it is for them to  nurture and care for a man? Not to mention, more politically correct.... (whatever the fuck that oxymoron is supposed to mean.)

   Why is it easier for a man to shave his balls, and wax his chest than to be assertive, or creative,or at least keep more than half of what he has built?

   Why is it easier for us to go against everything that comes natural, than to just admit that "Hey! There are differences! (and)  That's OK!!!

   Now don't think that I have some hidden agenda here. Also, don't think that I have completely disregarded the alternative lifestyle in any way. However, is it wrong for me to talk about  what is common? Is it, because it is common, that it has no right to an opinion?

   Bottom line. I am am man. I am not a perfect man, but I have proven myself good enough to have a good life. A good woman, and a chance at pure happiness. Or any happiness in whatever I can find. Don't I?

   Now, can you imagine how many "activists" I offended, by just saying that?

I'm just saying...
~SB~

The Definition of Insanity

   As most of ya already know, I was recently released from prison. I had gotten into a drunk driving accident, and it cost me everything. Literally EVERYTHING! I  have been struggling to move forward, but it hasn't been easy. It could be a lot worse though, if my friends Dave and Dani hadn't stepped up and helped me. For that I will be eternally grateful.

   The mental and emotion trauma that one experiences cannot really be explained. It's second only to the physical abuse one is forced to overcome. I feel that the way the authority's treat you is just as bad as the fellow inmates. It's tough not to believe that you really are the piece of shit that they all believe you are. I  was lucky. I had a wife that loved me, and stood by me. Allowing that anchor I need to hold me in reality, and to remind me that the world I was in, wasn't the real world. It gave me the pride to know that I was not like the rest of them. That I could hold my head up. That was, until she left.

   When my wife left me, I had to re-evaluate my situation. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I deserve this. You can't help thinking these thoughts. Especially with the manner of viciousness and spite that my wife left. I still struggle with it today. I have a hard time being in large groups. I am quick to irritation. It's hard for me to enjoy myself outside of the house. I am always paranoid. I am always waiting for someone to come and take everything away again. I believe that I deserve it. I can't find a decent job. And after the one person who was supposed to love, and stand beside me for the rest of my life so ruthlessly destroyed what was left of it, I believe that I am a bad person.

   I am not telling you this to get sympathy, or for you to pity me. I would like to educate people on some of the aspects of society that we have created. You see, I believe that we take good people in this country, and when they make a mistake, we put them in a place where they have to become bad people in order to survive. When you get locked up, you had better learn to do what you gotta do, and you had better learn it quick. By the time it is all over, you have now become a man that you can no longer be proud of, and you learn that the only people that understand you are people you never wanted to be associated with in the first place. This is reinforced by the way your family and friends treat you. By the way perspective employers treat you. By the way your P.O. treats ya. Some of it, in fact I'd bet that most of it, is unintentional. People don't realize that what happened to me, can happen to any one of you. So they look at me, and treat me differently, and I notice it. I don't like it.

   I was driving 37 miles an hour around a corner when my truck tipped over and slid into someones yard. I knocked over some trash cans and caused an elderly woman to fall over, which in turn caused her to fracture a rib, and a laceration to her head. No one was permanently injured. (Thank God) Two private investigators, and the investigators of the Multnomah County Sheriff's office all testified that they had no idea how this accident happened, and that it was due to vehicle malfunction. Before this accident, I had a perfect driving record. Yes I had been drinking the night before, and I should not have gotten in that truck. That was stupid, stupid mistake. A terrible error in judgement. However, this accident would have happened had I been drinking or not. I hadn't realized the truck was in that bad of shape. I had just gotten it out of the shop, and both me and the mechanic had missed the suspension issues.
 
   For this, I was forced to give up everything good that I had in my life. Everything I owned or loved was stripped from me. I was humiliated repeatedly, on a daily basis. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and now walk with a limp that I will probably have for the rest of my life. I am scorned, and scrutinized, even by some of the people who are supposed to be on my side. I am monitored, and know that there are people just waiting for me to screw up so they can lock me right back up. Worst of all, I actually believe now that I am a bad person. That this is what I probably deserve at some level. When you feel like that, it is very difficult to rise above it, although I continue to try.

   What I challenge from you all, is to think about where we as a people are heading in our society. Are we going to continue to lock up good people for making bad choices, which in the end only produce bad people. We are locking up our fathers, and sons for a drunken bar fight. Not just for a few hours to cool off, but for 70 months. When these men get out, they really are something to be concerned with. Where, if we had just dumped a bucket of ice water on them, the whole situation could have been de-fused. We are no longer a nation of justice, of right or wrong, but a nation of winning and losing. Where the almighty dollar is in whom we trust. If you've got money, you can probably stay out of jail, but if you don't, then walk gently and in fear, because if you get caught making a mistake, it will cost you everything.

   We keep locking up these people, expecting to solve the problem. However when most of these men are released, they have nothing on the outside for them. So inevitably they end up turning to drugs, and alcohol, which in turn leads to something stupid happening again. So what do we do? We lock them up again. Well if that didn't work the first time, then rinse and repeat till it does. What was it they say about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Isn't that what we as a country are doing right now? Now with just the prison system, but with the War on Drugs, our Education Platform, the War on Terror, Social Security, Welfare, Public Medical, and Dental, Big Corporate Business, Kick backs, and Bailouts, ect. ect. ect. The list just goes on and on.

   ~Here's a few facts and quotes I found for you to think about.~
- 7.2 million Americans were either on parole, probation or incarcerated at the end of 2006. That's roughly 1 out of every 31 adults.
- The U.S. has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world. We have more people locked up then some countries have people.
- Approximately one in every eighteen men in the U.S. are either behind bars or are being monitored in some form.
- A 2002 study survey showed that among the 275,000 prisoners that were released in 1994, 67.5% were rearrested, and 51.8% were back in prison before they were out three years.
- The U.S. spends 6 times more on Corrections then it does on Education.
- In 2008 the U.S. spent 49 Billion dollars on Corrections.
- It is estimated that 1 in 9 state government employees works in corrections.


     ~Another Quote~ 
 "High rates of incarceration may be due to sentence length for crimes such as theft and drug possession. Repeat offenders may not be properly handled due to a lack of focus on rehabilitation. Shorter sentences may even diminish the criminal culture by possibly reducing re-arrest rates for first-time convicts. The U.S. Congress has ordered that federal judges make imprisonment decisions "recognizing that imprisonment is not an appropriate means of promoting correction and rehabilitation."

Critics have lambasted the United States for incarcerating a large number of non-violent and victimless offenders; half of all persons incarcerated under state jurisdiction are for non-violent offenses, and 20% are incarcerated for drug offenses (in State prisons, Federal prison percentages are higher). "Human Rights Watch believes the extraordinary rate of incarceration in the United States wreaks havoc on individuals, families and communities, and saps the strength of the nation as a whole." The population of inmates housed in prisons and jails in the United States exceeds 2 million, with the per capita incarceration population higher than that officially reported by any other country. Because of its size and influence, the U.S. prison industry may be referred to as the prison-industrial complex. Criminal justice policy in the United States has also been criticized for a number of other reasons." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States

    Just a few thoughts for you to stick in you pipe and smoke. I am not saying that I have the answers to correct the problem, just that I know first hand that there is a problem. I would like for people to start listening to the ones who do have answers. Instead of the right wing extremest, with the biggest soap box to stand on

Just Saying,

~SB~

   : References
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States
http://rinf.com/alt-news/contributions/general/us-spends-6-times-more-on-prisons-than-education/2600/
http://economistsview.typepad.com/economistsview/2006/05/incarceration_r.html
http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35455

Me & You till it's Me vs. You

   So you think you know what it means to bleed. What it means to grieve. What it means to disagree.... Try standing against, the only one, with whom you could believe in,... the only one, with whom  you could feel free to breathe.

   I recently was confronted with a reality that I could not avoid. Like I didn't hear it coming. I had to confront the fact that I am now at war with the one I love the most. This is an impossible situation, because even if you win, you lose.

   However I still love these moments. These moments when I get to sit here in my chair, with my hands behind my head, trying to think of the next great thing to say. Yet, I hate the situations that put me in this situation... Sometimes I wonder if I create these drama's to fill my pallet of unused creativity. Or maybe I just allow situations to evolve so I can sit back and claim the victim? Maybe this takes away any validation I was looking for. Or maybe I was looking for that discredit. Maybe I am just as full of shit as I've always said I was. Maybe .. maybe..  maybe  ...

  Maybe I am sober when you think I am not. Maybe I'm not when you think I am. Maybe neither one of us know a god damn thing about how to figure out the VW's Transfer/Clutch plate vs. a real Transmission. Maybe we're all full of shit. Maybe we're not. Maybe someone has some sort of clue. I sure as hell hope so.

   So it seems I'm out of sorts today... Like I have not a direction. This may be the truth, sadly. I do have a point here, but I haven't quite rightly figured out the direction I need to pull it from yet. So please bear with me.

   How about I just tell ya a little story about myself and my dear Ol' (f%^ up) mother. We'll start with that.

   There was this one weekend that I had made a descent chunk o' change, and had the next few days off. So out of complete spontaneousness, I decided to drive up to my mothers place. Now for those of you that do not know my mother, let me just say that she is a conversational piece. Not only in Hazard County, but the world around. I even remember calling my sister that night to get directions.

   Anyways, the point is that I decided for the first time since me and Schmoe were together to do something completely on my own. I didn't ask permission, and with my girl, Schmoe, I didn't need to. Of course I called her and told her my plans, and of course she was completely supportive. However, I can not remember ever feeling more guilty. Here I was out visiting my mother and all I could think about was how I left my girl behind. The guilt was unbearable. I spent two days with my mom, and then broke every speed law between the two states of Washington and Oregon, with a half flat tire and, a full gut of whiskey, to get back to my baby, I felt so alone and guilty.

   This is the woman I am at odds with now ... ughhh...

   Less than 6 weeks later I was arrested for taking her out to breakfast.

   Before the next year was up, my girl had left,....  and I was left with the "here after".

  Got 16 days .. Got the Rosary, and the U-joint chamber ..
  Got  16 days, and still have the ring on this fella's middle member...

 I'm just saying ..

~SB~