Reporting In

   Not much to write about these days. Things are better in some ways, but along with the good ya gotta take the bad.

   School is going well. Lots of art, so I'm doing well there. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do fine on my finals, and that will mean a 4.0 g.p.a. I was actually working on my final project for my design class when I decided to write a little something. My friend Mia is letting me use her Wacom pad! Very exciting! I'm learning how to use that. It's basically a mouse in the shape of a pen. My hand / eye coordination is being put to the test. I know that once I get it down, it will help me immensely.

    I still haven't found work. It's depressing me a bit. It's difficult to find something I can do with this bum knee of mine. It'll be much better when I get a bit more schooling under my belt. Luckily, I have friends that have odd jobs for me to do here and there. It's not a lot, but it gets me by. It's stressful though, cause you never know where your next dollar is coming from or when. I guess it's all a part of being a student, right. Be broke now, so I can be less broke later.   ;D

   My roommate, Dani, is doing ok. She just got herself a new car. It's a 65 VW Bug, with a rag tag paint job, a blue and red racing strip going down the center of it accented with the number 53. Yup, you guessed it, it's the Herbie car!!! It needs a decent amount of work, but it's solid. The body is straight for the most part. Some minor  dings, and surface rust, but nothing major. The engine, and running gear are in really good shape. Much better than I expected. The seats are in good shape too. It needs the seals replaced around the doors, and in the fire wall by the drivers feet, along with carpet and paint, and it'll be good a nice car. A few other minor issues, but all in all, a good little Bug. I might find her a better one, and buy it, Then we'd trade, if she likes it. (that is if I can ever make any money) The 65 is nice, but I think she'll be happier with something a little newer. Like a late 60's or early 70's model. You know, the ones with retractable seat belts,head rests, a stereo, gauges, better airflow system,a few more bells and whistles that just make driving easier. I, however, prefer the simplicity of the older rigs. We'll see what happens.

   Right now, since she recently lost here job, we are being as frugal as possible. I'm pretty sure that she will find a new one relatively soon. She's already scheduling interviews. She doesn't have bothersome little annoyances like a felony, or a disability getting in her way. So I believe her time spent unemployed will be short lived. Wish I could say the same for myself.  It can be discouraging at times, but I know if I'm ever gonna get through this I need to stay positive and remained focused on the goal ahead.

   Still have my days of overall melancholy now and then. Still think about my wife far too much. I haven't seen her in a year now, you'd think that all these feeling would have dissipated by now, but they haven't. It's getting better though. I did however, in a moment of weakness, send her a nasty text the other night. Just the general vulgarity of how she is a weak person, that runs away from her problems, rather than facing them. Of course I added the right amount of obscenities to go along with it... I regret that. When I do, on the rare occasion, try and contact her, I usually try to be civil, even alluring. I have this stupid notion in my head that she might decide to return one day. A wishful pipe dream, I know. What would happen if she actually did come back anyways? I'm not naive enough to pretend it would all be roses, apologies, and we'd live happily ever after. I know we can't go back. The person she was, is a person that no longer exists. Hell, I'm not the person I was anymore either. I wish that I hadn't sent that last text though. I'd like to think that I am better than that. Eh...shit happens I guess. I do think I spend far too much time beating myself up. God knows that the world does that enough without my aid.

   When I think about it, I believe that it is the idea of what we had that I miss the most. I realize that Jamie, as a person, is easily replaced. I've had several offers already, but have passed them all up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here living the life of a monk. I get mine on occasion. No, I think it was the connection, and the compatibility that keeps me from making any commitment to another woman. I think that once you tasted what it is like to be with someone who truly fits with you, then why bother with anyone that "will do"? I don't want someone that "will do", and since I have also realized that the perfect fit is a rare thing, I don't waste my time running around "trying on" new women. It just seems futile to me. I think that is why I wallow so much in the loss of my wife. It's not Schmoe that can't be replaced, it's the way she used to fit. I say used to, because , as I have already mention, that woman no longer exist. The only thing left of that woman is my memories. I am beginning to realize that it isn't healthy for me to hang on to those memories so tightly. All they do is turn me into a crazy person.

   All in all, I think I'm gonna be ok. My biggest concern right now is my financial situation. I think the solution to that, is keeping my chin up, and keeping my faith that it will all work itself out. All things happen for a reason. If I can remember that , and not focus on what happened, but what I need to learn from it, then I am a step closer to success. A step further would be to actually learn the lesson, apply it, then move on. Things are gonna be ok. I am beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel, and I excited to be in the light again.

~SB~

Wishes

Do you,? Does she,? Is it possible,? Do you ever wish for me?...I wish for you.

Miracle

   Throughout my life, I have been lucky enough to have three "Great Loves". Each one greater than the one before. The thing about a "Great Love", is that the dreams don't ever end. The heart never fully recovers. Sure, the longer you are separated, the duller the the pain of losing them becomes, but you never forget a "Great Love". The pain of losing them, is never completely washed away. My first one ended almost 20 years ago. Yet still, she will creep into my mind on occasion. And when she does, so do all the memories. While I still hurt over the memory of losing her, I love the feeling that all the other memories bring me. Of course, like any other wound, the fresher it is, the more it hurts. The easier it is for the stitches to break. But I am lucky, especially with my last "Great Love". I have gotten the chance to really love someone. Someone once really loved me too, and that,....
....is a miracle.

I'm Just Saying
~SB~

Draw That Line!

   It doesn't matter how right you are.. when the one , (or the one's,) you love, choose to side against you... At that point.... you have to make a decision ...ARE YOU RIGHT?!?!?..

 And what are you willing to do about it??!!??!!

   Sometimes it doesn't matter how right you are. You will still have to suffer the consequences... The consequences of following the choices of your your beliefs. Sometimes, you just have to realize,... you have done everything right, but it just wasn't enough! Not just enough for them, but not necessarily enough in general.

   There are many factors to this outcome ... What you must decide is ... in a hundred years, will anyone give a shit? If not, then I say fuck it,.. and fuck them .. when put into perspective, they're obviously not worth it.

   Perspective ... Now there is a notion.

   I've fucked up a lot in my life, and I still pay for many of those mistakes. Sometimes, realizing that, doesn't make anything easier. In fact,.. when you see someone you care very deeply about, making the same mistakes, it makes it harder. Not only because you can see the mistakes they're making, but that you see that you can't stop them.

   As a person who had to put my hand on the stove, to realize that they were telling the truth when they said it would burn me,... I feels so helpless, when I see a loved one reaching out for that burner.

   When you already know everything, then there is nothing left for you to learn.

~SB~

Holy Roller

   I have this homework assignment that requires me to make a 11 x 17 poster ad that includes a sporting event background. My professor wants to see action. Since I am broke, and can't afford to purchase images at the quality level, and size that I need, I have decided to dray up my own image. I have chosen Roller Derby as my sport. I am thinking that I will use a comic book sort of format, and would like to back it up with some actual photography. However, I think I will end up drawing the entire picture myself. Later I will import my drawing into Photoshop and make a slew of adjustments.

   It's times like this that I really miss Schmoe. While she and I are very different artists, she has a knowledge and perspective that I have always admired.

   I hope this piece comes out well. I don't know though. Some of my proportions are a bit extreme. However, this is common in comic book art. I am just in the sketching mode, but I can see already, that by choosing to draw my own image, old school style, and incorporate it into a modern art form, I am taking a big risk.

   Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

Too Bad...

   It's just too bad that all of those letters, all of those visits, all of those conversations, all of those nights... are a waste .. It's just too bad..

I Wish I Wish I Wish...

   So we're  getting down to it. I am beginning to realize what is going on. I was gone for a little too long. Now... for many, 15 months isn't that much, especially when you have already gone through the first 13, but to some people, it's just too much.

   It seems that my wife is one of those casualties. That it was just too long... By a hair. But too long, none the same.
   I don't believe that she has forgotten all that we were, but I understand now that she wants to forget, and that leads to so many of the decisions made today.

   It is so very sad that it has come to this. It is so very sad that she needs to remember me in such a light, but it makes sense .. I guess

   The truth is, she has moved on. She has committed to her decision. That once, I was a decision that she had committed to, but now, she has forsaken that choice for another.

   Actually, it was her dedication to her choices that drew me to her the most. Now that her dedication is focused elsewhere, how can I blame her?

 I only regret that her dedication couldn't last another 58 days. Maybe we would be better for it in the end. I would like to believe so. However she disagree's. She has chosen to hate everything that brought her to here ... I guess so must I.

   So I will continue on .. once again single .. a place I look not forward to. However is is what it is.

   I miss her dedication. I understand the dedication she now has. It makes sense I suppose. It's too bad that she wouldn't face me head on. Guess she knew that she couldn't.

  I miss her being my everything, guess she doesn't. However I guess it makes sense.

   So it's over... not the way that I would hope for, but over none the same. I wish you the best my love. I only hope that you can remember one great thing about me. I hope. I wish ... I wish ... Just one great thing...